How to Get Out of a Tardy

Everyone knows the dreadful feeling of hearing the shrill of the school bell moments or maybe even a minute before entering the classroom. The worst part is finally strolling into class and feeling every eye in the room watch you suspiciously, not knowing what to make of the student who dared overstay his or her five allotted minutes away from class. Then there is the added tension of knowing that this tardy can be reported to the administrators and used against you at a future time. Here are some tips on how to get out of that situation without punishment.
Pretend that there is no problem
1. While walking into the room, offer no apologies or emotion and simply walk to your desk. Make sure not to make eye contact with anybody, and move at a normal pace.
2. Sit down quietly and get prepared quickly, at least pretend to take notes or comment on the discussion. The goal is to integrate yourself seamlessly into the class as if you were there from the beginning.
3. If a comment on your tardiness is made, simply mention “traffic” or some other typical excuse, but do not beg for mercy. Make it seem that there is no trouble with tardiness and that there was no disruption to the class, and everyone will go along with it.
In case of emergency
Sometimes, upon reaching the classroom entrance, the unlucky student finds it locked or otherwise impeded. This calls for more extreme measures.
Knock, but have a ready made story
1. Invent a story involving you being booked, pushed, or otherwise slowed in the attempt to get to class. The more believable and the less it seems like your fault, the better.
2. Knock on the door and wait for someone to open it, and then recount the story. Most people will believe it if it is a good story, but decline any offers to go to the discipline office or identify the person that hampered your progress to the class.
3. Take a seat and dive right into the class. The teacher will likely be sympathetic and not give you a tardy.
Find another way in
If that plan would fail, take faith in the principle that all rooms have more than one entrance, not all of them obvious.
1. Quickly make sure that the ceiling has panels and the room has a convenient landing place.
2. Go into a bathroom, office, closet, or other inconspicuous area and use a chair or table to increase your height. Knock out one ceiling panel and enter the space above the ceiling there. Make sure to replace the panel.
3. Crawl over to the chosen landing spot, making sure not to put too much weight on any single point. There is a small risk that the panel might break and you will be revealed.
4. When you reach the landing spot, preferably a cabinet or sturdy desk, make sure that nobody is looking and carefully lift up the ceiling panel. Descend carefully, replacing the panel.
5. Slip silently into your seat. If by some chance somebody sees you, say that you were retrieving a lost pencil or doing some other harmless task but were indeed in class on time. Except for the key statement of not being tardy, be purposely vague on why you were out of your seat and make it seem like something that happens every day.
Hopefully, none of my readers will ever find themselves in such a situation, but if so, I know my advice will help. There is nothing worse than a tardy, and there is almost never a greater relief than getting out of one. Good luck to you all.

How to Procrastinate

Procrastination is something that we're all familiar with. You watch T.V. for an hour before you write a paper, you get in a few more rounds before reaching for that physics textbook, and you sleep away your Saturday mornings and wait until Sunday night to do your homework. While you may think your years of schooling have given you sufficient and proper training to perform this highly refined task, I am here to rectify your mistakes and put you on the path to true enlightening. Adhering to true procrastinator creed, I will teach you the fundamentals and more in this short, concise blog entry. But if you were a true practitioner of the faith, you would have long navigated away from this page and played mindless online games until you had gotten hungry or had fallen asleep at your desk.

To truly realize your potential in this world you have to give up a great many things and while that may scare you at first, let me tell you that you will feel terrific very soon afterwards. Everyone loves instant gratification. The first obstacle in your path is responsibility. Driven into our minds since we could understand human reasoning, responsibility is the small voice in the back of your head making you think twice about not doing homework or family chores. You must learn to ignore that voice and take the time you would normally spend doing menial tasks and use it to do what you want to do. Suddenly your WoW characters will hit the level cap a lot faster and your Facebook/Myspace/Xanga page will dazzle visitors with even more misspelled words, epilepsy inducing graphics, and photos of you that even an internet stalker would shy away from saving. Why should you care what happens as long as you're happy, right?

After you've settled into a comfortable pattern of eating, sleeping, and schooling (sleeping) you can begin to really change your life. Drop those silly A.P. courses, don't bother with athletics, and stop communicating with your "friends". You don't need people to be happy and, as a matter of fact, they will only impede your journey to Nirvana; begging and pleading with you to change back into the person you once were. After that stage you can finally begin experiencing life; procrastinating was only the stepping stone to the other fundamentals skills. Soon you'll find yourself slacking off, getting suspended/fired/high, and even failing at life and that is what it's all about.

How to write a lengthy blog post in as little as 5 minutes!

We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us). Your bloodshot sleep deprived eyes look down dreadingly at the clock- your mortal enemy. The electric numbers read off almost eleven o'clock. You try to focus on writing your English homework, but the thought alone of doing your blog post is fatiguing you. Well I have a solution for you! Just follow these simple easy to follow directions and you will soon be on your way to the heavenly shelter of your bed.

1.Start out with a catchy introduction. Having a catchy introduction is the second most important part of your piece because seldom will anyone read past it! Therefore, you should spend most of your labors on this part. For example, if you are writing a post on how to do a fast post, you could start out like this "We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us)..". These 10 seconds of attention getting will be worthwhile in the rest of your post and enables you to make most of the rest of your post ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!! Now isn't that appealing?

2. Insert seemingly important words into your seemingly important post to make your entire post seem seemingly much longer. Don't worry about the act of repeating words, the repetition will make your repeating paper seem longer and more important. chances are that no one will be actually reading your post anyway!

3. Skip step three. I never really saw the importance of this step. Therefore, proceed directly to step 4.

4. Make your sentences appear coherent and flow well, when really all you're writing is stream of consciousness. This may be the hardest step, but with practice, you'll be a pro in no time! Just remember that going off on a tangent is A OK! The execution of this step is very important in the entire layout of your paper. First, it makes you seem more intelligent. Also, it will add credibility to your piece and make your piece seem to actually be saying something. For example, I once had a neighbor named Johnny. Johnny always enjoyed writing long blog posts, but then one day Johnny moved away to California. It turns out he ended up liking California much better than here, and deemed blog posts totally worthless compared to the beach. He liked the beach because of the beautiful blue water and the pretty hells. He once ate shellfish and got really sick. It was sad and he almost had to go to the hospital. I never really enjoyed the hospital much, just like I never enjoyed writing long blog posts, unlike Johnny! That silly goose!
Notice how I just spent a paragraph talking about literally nothing at all! Once you get this down pat, you are on your way

5. SPELLENG AND GRAMMER DON'T COUTN PHOOLS!!! NE SUCKR WHO WOOD SPEND VALUBLE TIME WORRY ABOOT THIS BE STUPID!! CONSIDR UR PAPR TO B ANARCHY ON EVERYTHIN U EVER LEARN IN ENGLSH CLAS!!

6. Next, finish your paper eloquently, because nothing makes people forget a bad body paragraph like a good clincher! Say something like "Through the logic of steps 1-6 (#3 in particular), you all now can be masters of laziness!". Also, in case your teacher actually read the body paragraph, skip a few lines and put in the REAL most important part.



Mrs. Gerber is the best English teacher in the world, and wouldn't even dream of not giving me full credit on this assignment! I consider myself the luckiest student on the face of the earth to have her as my teacher.


7. Put in a disclaimer in case things get ugly.

DISCLAIMER: THE STATEMENT ABOVE DOES NOT APPLY IF I DO NOT RECEIVE FULL CREDIT ON THIS ASSIGNMENT.

8. If your teacher gets angry at you the next day, do the most logical thing and blame it on Matt "The Artist formerly known as Fat Chubbard" Hubbard. Say he went into a jealous rage, and as a result sabotaged your insightful and purposeful post and ate your dog.

DISCLAIMER: NO DOGS WERE ACTUALLY EATEN BY MATT HUBBARD IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST.

How to Avoid doing Chores

Ah, chores, the word no teenager enjoys hearing. The horrible, time-consuming, boring, annoying, frustrating...chores. A fate every child has to face sometime throughout their life. If you are one of the very selevt few that don't do chores, then I hate and envy you at the samt time and suggest you stop reading now. However, those of you that actually DO participate in this wold-wide phenomenon, I have an answer. The perfect guide on how to avoid this dreadful task.
Always, always, ALWAYS avoid eye contact with your parents when you know that there are chores you either have to do or know they will ask you to do. If you do not look at them, and keep walking or looking away, it will appear that you have something to do or somewhere to go and they will then post-pone asking you to do your chores at a later time.
Try to avoid common sitting areas, such as the family room or living room. If your parents see you sitting around, they will then tell you to do your chores because they dislike the fact that you are actually relaxing.
If your parents actually ask you to do one of these chores, you must have a few excuses lined up. Common lines are "I have too much homework", "Okay, not right now", or you could go with the classic, "I don't feel good". All of these phrases will be sufficient, however be prepared for your parent/parents to complain after you make these comments. Once you have said this excuse, you must commit to it.
Try to make yourself look like you're busy when they pass by. If your parent passes you, looking like you are working diligently or looking intently at something, they are not AS likely to ask you to do your chores, because they would not want to break your concentration. However, some parents do dare to break our concentration, and when this happens, mumble a slow okay or yes, kind of brushing them off, and keep focusing intently on what you were before. This way, you can claim that you didn't hear them earlier because you were so focused on what you were doing.
Although these steps will increase your likelyhood of getting out of chores, some parents take to the extreme and will badger you until you actually do them. All i can say to THAT is good luck, and god be with you. To the others, follow these rules and you will notice a significant difference in the amount of free-time you have, along with the decreased amount of chores!

How to Succeed in School While Doing as Little Work as Possible

We’re all already successful students—being in at least one AP class—and I’m sure most of us are involved in several activities (not to mention our other AP classes). I know, in a perfect world, we would be able to complete our homework, study for all of our tests, and go to bed by 10:30 every night. But, this is never the case—and frankly—just does not seem possible. Or does it? But it is possible to get good grades and have fun in high school; you just need to find the loopholes and shortcuts…

1. Starting on the first day of school, you need to begin to analyze your teachers. During the beginning few weeks of class, keep track of which teachers are more likely to give pop quizzes, or check or collect your homework. Keep a mental note of how they check your homework, too. For example, if your AP US History teacher asks for written notes on the Boston Tea Party—but just glances at them as she walks by—why can’t you show her your notes on the French-Indian war that you took last week?
2. It is also imperative to understand the concept that every period is a study hall. Unless a homework assignment requires a computer, most everything can be done in the class period before it is due. Most students already utilize their class time for other homework when a teacher shows a movie to the class—but what about during power points, lectures, passing periods, discussions, or group projects? It is necessary to make sure you have a cover sheet or book, preferably one pertaining to the class you are supposed to be paying attention to. If a teacher calls on you, make sure you have a preprogrammed response that can apply to anything. (“Désolée, je ne sais pas!”)
3. Remembering to prioritize your time is also very important. Constantly check which classes you are doing poorly in, and just be sure to do the homework for those classes. The opposite rule applies to classes that you are doing well in. Don’t spend your time studying for a psychology test if you already have an A. You could spend hours perfecting that rhetorical analysis for English, but it’s the end of the quarter, and you have solidified your grade already, so please do not spend your time on that. Instead, spend your time watching Greys Anatomy, because—remember—you can do your 3^rd period math homework in your 2^nd period French class.

If your like me, your always broke. Yet wheres the fun in getting a job, when you can just suck up to your parents for an endless supply of cold, hard cash? The hours you save mooching over getting a respectable job can then be spent doing anything you desire, food, fun, friends you can have it all!

1) Before even talking to your parents, pinch yourself, put mint toothpaste on your eyelids, anything, just squeeze out that droopy, teary, sad face. This is crucial, you have to strike that right chord with your parents from appearance. Use your acting skills if you have to, but you have to appear like mom or dad's "perfect" child, positive, polite, sad, and loving.

2) Choose your target wisely. Mom or Dad, you've spent 16 to 17 years with these people, you should know by now who the piggy bank is. Of your two "assets," who has the loose, overflowing wallet? For me that would be my dad, so with your target in your sites zero in!

3) Flattery is your #1 weapon, and a great way to start off your persuasive attack. "Why, hello father your looking rather less chubbly today, have you lost a pound or two?," wouldn't score many sympathy points. Yet "Hey dad, did you ever know that your my hero? You are the best dad in the world," will most likely turn his wallet into a leather ATM machine.

4) Don't give up! Persistence is an important factor in mooching. If they won't give you what you want right away, annoy them into it! "PLLLLLEEEEEEAASSSSEEEE," or "All the cool parents are doing it," could very well do the trick. If all else fails, you may be desperate enough to start the guilt trip. "Fine, I'll just have to starve to death then...keep an eye out for the obituaries."

5) Unless your parents have hearts of cold stone, one of the above tactics should have worked. If not it may be time to consider a different profession. Yet since it probably did succeed, remember to shower your parent with a barrage of "thank yous" and "I LOVE YOU's" as to soften them up for the next time you need some extra cash

How to trick or treat when your 17

If you are still interested in trick or treating above the age of 13 the following process is for your benefit:

1. Choose a thoughtful costume. When selecting your costume keep in mind your audience. Scary and inappropriate will not get you your desired amount of candy. However, funny and creative will, homemade costumes are usually the best.
2. When you have a costume selected, you must create a plan. Make a round of your street first, then once you have practiced, you may venture out into the unknown.
3. Practicing as a 17 year old trick or treater is key. You may be out of the swing of things, so while going to your friendly neighbors first you can follow by example from a 5 or 6 year old in front of you.
4. While getting back into the groove you must always be careful. When you hear a young adult sing "Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat", you will realize it doesn't have the same effect as when 4 year old boys do it. So remember to be tasteful while begging for your favorite candy.
5. Be nice! As hard as it may be, always let the young ones ahead of you. This way, when you are at the end of the line you may get more candy for doing your good deed.
6. Finally, always say thank you! Nobody like a stuck up 17 year old that steals candy.

How to make to meet that 2 page minimum

How To Avoid Working For Your Mom On A Saurday

There are a million and one ways to avoid getting dragged into doing work for your mother on a Saturday. Here are a few ideas on how to get out of work, chores, and anything related to that subject.

1. When you wake up make sure that you have an idea of what you intend to avoid accomplishing that day. Start to come up with a few good excuses that can be delivered verbally to your mother so that your lack of help will appear somewhat legitimate.

2. Stay in bed for as long as possible. Never allow your mom to make you get out of bed earlier than you intend. If she is constantly walking into your room and badgering you, then turn over and pretend to be asleep. If she persists then go to the bathroom and avoid conversation. This will not allow her to give you auditory list of all of the things that your mom requires from you.

3. Take an extremely long shower or bath. Lock the door so that no one can intrude and let yourself become fully awake. While relaxing continue brainstorming other things that you "Have" to do today so that your mom will be less likely to bother you if you can convince her that you are truly busy today. Once finished showering make sure that you avoid either of your parents on the way to your room. If you are lucky enough to have a bathroom in your bedroom then you are set.

4. Take an extremely long time to get dressed and prepared for the day ahead. Upon entering your eating area you must apear very nonchalant and inconspicuous in a manner so that your mom will not think that you are on to her shceme. If your parents do ask you what you have going today tell them that you are busy and have lots of homework from english class that you must finish. This will be very believable because our parents know well that A.P. language and Comp is not your run of the mill englsh classes and is one that requires diligence and a punctual sense of finishing work.

5. After breakfast go and watch some television. If your mom questions you simply say that you are tired and cannot focus enough to do homework. If she persists tell her that you will go and finish your homework and then make your way up to your room and return to bed. If you do not wish to sleep then read a magazine or a book, as long as you are out of sight to your parents.

6. The main objective to keep in mind is that the less interaction you have with either of your parents, the less of a chance they will have to put you to work. If your mom finds you relaxing with a book tell her that it is for english class. If you have a magazine say that you must go yo yhe bathroom. Proceed to the bathroom and wait until you mother is out of sight. Then go back downstair and continue to relax in some fashion.

7. Another way to avoid interaction is to wander throughout your house. Make it look like you are on an important mission to find something. If this becomes boring go surf Youtube for an interesting video to pass the time.

8. If your parents find you lounging make sure that you have some sincere sounding excuse, never get caught with an empty "Ughh". If worse comes to worse go outside and go for a walk around the neughborhood while no one is paying attention to you. Another way to make sure that you are excluded from the days activities is to anger your parents. Although this is a last resort I highly recommened figuring out something else.

9. Lastly, if you find that your parents are constantly badgering you to work, simply walk out of the door and drive away in your car. If you do not have access to a car or a liscense calla friend and have them come and pick you up. Tell you mom that something has come up and that you will be busy for the remainder of the day. Go with a friend or neighbor and get some food or go see a new movie. Do whatever it takes to avoid chores and other sorts of house work! If you give in you have simply let your parents win. If you can avoid them for the whole day and can maintain this for multiple weekends they will become less likely to try to persuade you to help them because they knnow that it is not worth the trouble.

How To Convince Your Parents To Give You Money

We have all opened our wallets to search for cash only to find disappointment in the empty leather interior. Whether the wad of cash that used to exist there was spent at the mall, or you latest paycheck didn’t exactly arrive on time, the problem needs to be confronted. Face it, you need cash fast and who better to ask than your loving and generous parents?
Throughout this process it is extremely important to keep a positive attitude, or at least pretend to. Timing can make or break your outcome, so listen carefully. You want to leave just enough time to have a quick yet sincere chat with your parents, make your move, and explain that if you don’t leave within the next few minutes you will be miserably late. Say your friends call and there is a major sale at the mall. Of course it is absolutely necessary for you to be there to purchase the most fabulous outfit for the next day at school! Approach you parents with a smile and the first words that come out of your mouth should include "Hey, how are you doing?" or "How was your day?" I am aware that it is so incredibly hard to avoid being sappy, but perhaps you could oh I don’t know, have a genuine conversation with your mom for 5 seconds and mean it. After discussing the plans for your day at the very end sneak in your need for cash. There are many different ways to word this question but it truly depends on the attitude of your parents.
After making your move most parents look their child in the eye and ask “Didn’t I give you money yesterday? Why cant you just stay home this time?” After this question it is really your time to shine, “Mom I am only living under this roof for 18 years, I am giving you the privilege to provide me with money before I have to do so for myself.” Parents are not always this easy to crack so come up with your own jokes to really reel them in. It often helps to point out the positive things that are happening in your life right now. “ Mom my grades are looking really good this quarter” “did you notice that I cleaned the kitchen after school?” Its not like all of this has to be true, it just has to get you past the moment. Flattery can take you far so trust your gut and put on that genuine (fake) smile your parents are dieing to see. I wish you the best of luck as you hopefully walk out the door fulfilling the thirst for cash that your wallet so badly desired.

How To Fake Sick

We've all been there. It 12 o'clock on a school night and you've had a long busy day full of activities, projects, and lots of homework. Just as you are about to get ready for bed, you suddenly remember the huge physics tests that you need to study for, or the 4 page essay you need to write for English. Don't freak out and stay up until 3 in the morning to complete it, it would be a waste of time and you would be too tired to take in anything you read or write. Instead, skip school the next day! Of course, there is always the problem of parents who won't let you skip school...unless your sick! In a few easy steps, you could be on the road to procrastination!

The most effective way to begin is to pick the fake sickness you are going to act out. If you choose too many problems, like pretending you have a stomachache but limping on your left leg, your parents can call you out pretty easily. Once you have picked your sickness, walk into your parents bedroom, either early in the morning or late at night. It is best to pretend your feeling sick before school starts, so they believe you are actually coming down with something. The most effective ways I've found are to pretend you have a headache and ask for some tylenol, say you are feeling warm and shiver, or complain about a stomachache. Then go back to bed and cough loudly before you go to sleep, so they will be able to hear you.

When you wake up the next morning, depending on which sickness you are trying to pull, keep a few close items at hand. Keep a flashlight close if you are pretending to have a fever. When you parents come in to take your temperature, sneak a flashlight that has been on for awhile on top of the thermometer and voila, you have a high fever. Another direction you can take is to have the stomach flu. Early in the morning, sprint to the bathroom and pretend to get sick. Flush the toilet and then let your parents know you have the flu, and you made it to the bathroom in time. They'll be happy there's no mess and they'll also keep you home from school. You can also cough a lot and pretend to lose your voice. Blowing your nose also scores points if you are pretending to have a bad cold. Crumple a few tissues and sprawl them around your bed, to make it look like you were sick all night. The worse you sound, the better the chances are of staying home. This art takes a lot of practice, but once it is perfected it comes in handy. After you show any sign of an illness, your parents will be quick to make a call to the school. Now, you have a whole day to finish whatever test you have to study for or whatever paper you need to write, and you can sleep in. Most would agree this beats stay up until 3 a.m. and stressing yourself out, if you just follow these simple steps.

Convincing Mom to Let You Stay Home From School

Everyone has those days where mentally you just cannot handle to idea of another day of monotonous school work. The thought of having to sit through another 50 minute Spanish class where, on a good day, you can maybe interpret a quarter of what your teacher says, and the little voice reminding you about that science test you still haven't started studying for is unbearable. These are times when procuring an illness sounds pretty good. Ideas start to formulate of how you're going to convince mom that you really are sick and desperately need to stay home the next day. Now if you are part of the lucky population of people how have mothers who would never question a word of her precious child, then a simple, "Mom I'm not feeling so well. I think I need to stay home tomorrow," along with a sad face and weak physical appearance, obtained by hunching the shoulders, is all you need. But there are those of us, like my self, who do not have moms who give in so easily, and we must take extreme steps into achieving our goal. My mom is a nurse, so naturally she knows when someone is faking sick or not. Over the years though I have perfected a technique for convincing even the most unsympathetic parent of a fake illness.

My technique is more along the lines of a process though. It is not something that can be accomplished in an hour and even a couple of hours. It takes careful planning from the early night before the intended day of absence and the morning of. The key to my process is to not be the first one to say that you are ill. You must play the part until your parent questions how you are feeling. This does not require much skill to accomplish, but persistence. Right around the time before dinner you must start acting more sluggish than your normal self. Lay on the couch in a ball and just watch TV if you usually are up and about doing homework and other odd jobs. If you are already in the sluggish habit of lying on the couch and watching TV you are going to have to take it to the next step, which is much less enjoyable. You now need to lay on the couch crouched in a ball with NO TV. The scene of you not even being able to get off the couch to turn the TV on shows true signs of the ultimate laziness, and because this is not normal behavior can arise questions. If you are severely desperate if you occasionally let out a deep breath or moan, it can only add to the affect. Do not be too obvious though by making it seem you are intentionally trying to draw attention to yourself because this will destroy all questionable thoughts of illness into ideas that you are just in need of a little attention.

When dinner time approaches, slowly make your way to the table making sure to drag your feet more than normal and have a look of miserable sadness on your face. This entrance will make the assertion that there is in deed something wrong. Now here is another sacrifice you are going to have to make, which may be harder for others. Take smaller helpings than usual to make it apparent that your appetite is not normal, a symptom of many illnesses. In addition to your small helpings, eat very slowly and kind of pick at your food, moving it around a lot to make it look like you are disinterested in the thought of eating. Don't forget to keep a solemn sad face on throughout the meal. Instead of rushing away from the table, hover around as long as possible. Don't get up until the last person. By doing this you are showing just how un energetic you are feeling.

You would think that the next step would just to go to bed now, right? No! You still have not gotten the desired reaction from your parent. They have still not asked you if you are feeling all right. You must now go upstairs and get ready for bed. Make sure to put on your comfiest pair of pajamas and slippers. Take a blanket with you downstairs and lay on the couch cuddled up in your blanket making sure that your face is still visible with that look of misery still holding strong. You want to make sure that you are visible to your parent so that they can observe your actions. The best thing is to be in their view while they are doing the dishes. They don't have a lot on their mind, and with you there with your abnormal behavior you will consume their thoughts and worry. Continue to make the occasional moans and deep breaths, but otherwise remain motionless. The less amount of energy you seem to have the better.

By this time I can sometime get the desired reaction I want, and my mom will usually call over from the sink if I'm feeling alright. This is not the moment when you want to jump right out and say that yeah Mom I'm feeling really sick, I don't think I can go to school tomorrow. This answer is to energized. You need to sound uninterested and somewhat confused with the question. Either give a big moan or simply reply, "I don't know, not really." This usually gets the reaction of, "Well why don't you go up to bed and get some rest." Do not reply to this though. Just simply give a positive moan to signal that you have heard her, lay on the couch for a few more minutes, and then slowly make your way up to bed, making sure to make your trip up the stair a difficult task with your lack of energy.

At this point you have made it about three quarters of the way. Your mom has made her own evaluation of the situation without any verbal interjections by you which make her thoughts more concrete in her mind. Now you just need to lay in bed and sleep. Before your mom goes to bed she may come in and check on you to see if you are all right. Be warned though that she may come armed with a thermometer. Don't be too worried though, because she came to the conclusion you we're feeling well by herself the whole temperature thing won't have to heavy a weigh. When she discovers that you do not have a fever DO NOT try to come up with an excuse why. Pretend like you are clueless to the situation give out another moan and just lay down. The less you speak the better. You are now free to sleep soundly.

The next morning when your mom comes to wake you up it the final obstacle to overcome. Instead of waking up promptly lay in bed without movement for the first thirty seconds or so. Then make it apparent that you are awake. Your mom will now most likely ask you how you are feeling. Again in this situation the less you say the better. Give a rough, quiet moan and stick your head under the covers, making sure to show a minimal level of energy again. She may tell you to get up and get in the shower and then see how you feel. If this is the case stay in bed until she leaves, then as soon as she's gone fall back to sleep. When she comes in twenty minutes later she will be even more worried about your condition, and by showing her un energetic reactions and responses you will convince her that you really are not in the condition to go to school. This is when you will want to congratulate yourself on a job well done, but be cautious. Do not show any sign of joy until she is at least ten feet from your room. Any sign of relief of joy may foil your whole plan.

How to Assume the Role of a Loser When You Were 99.9% Sure You Would Have Been the Winner

We've all experienced it: losing a game, contest, race, etc. to a rival opponent when you were so sure you'd win. Too bad life can't always make you a winner, so you must take necessary precautions to take the unexpected role of the loser when life throws you a curve ball.
First, after you've finish you're competition, or immediately after you find out you've lost, suck up that pride and pat the back of your rival opponent and congratulate him for a job well done. Remember to continue sucking your pride in. One leak can lead to disastrous results. However, if a leak happens, be prepared by purchasing another book in our series entitled, "How to Assume the Role of a HUGE Loser When You Screw Up." After you have successfully completed the action of congratulating your rival, look to see no one is watching and immediately wipe your hands off with a napkin. Dispose the napkin in a nearby wastebasket. You do NOT want your opponent's germs on yourself so make sure to wipe thoroughly.
Later on in the day, when friends and family members ask how you have done, respond with, "I had him, but I was so out of it. I started falling asleep, but I would have beat him if I hadn't been so tired." Or a more popular one, "He cheated. The referee didn't call any of his penalties!" Expressing your anger in this way places the blame on someone else. Although YOU are the loser, you can create sympathy around you by choosing your words wisely. Do not make the mistake of saying your opponent was better than you. Otherwise, you will appear weak and more of a loser before the competition.
Finally, call your opponent up again and challenge him to another competition. Make sure he agrees. Immediately after the agreement, rigorously train for the big day. This time, make sure you beat him. If you do not beat him the second time, reread this book to make sure you are doing each step precisely and accurately.
But in the long run, make sure you go into a competition only 99% sure you'll be the winner. The extra .9% jinxes your chances of ever becoming a champion and makes you look too self-confident.

How To Throw a Party and Not get Caught?

Have you ever thrown party, only to get caught by your parents? Then you are punished and grounded. What if you could throw a party and not get busted? Follwing just a few easy steps, you can.

1) Choose a day that you are sure your parents won't be home. Make sure to choose a day where your parents are attending something long and won't be able to miss. If your parents do decide not to go, persuade them by mentioning the positive outcomes of attending the event.

2) As your parents are heading out the door, mention you may invite a few friends over. Be sure to mention friends your parents trust. Besides, your parents will be in too much of a hurry to argue with you. Just in case your parents come home to find things misplaced and food lying around, you can say your friends are responsible for the mess.

3) Invite a limited amount of friends. Make sure to tell them that it is a private party, so they won't invite other people and the party won't get out of control. Invite people half an hour to hour after your parents are suspected to leave. Just in case your parents are late, you don't have to worry about getting caught.

4) Hide all valuable items and lock all bedroom doors. The last thing you want is to have your mom come home to find her favorite china dishes shattered in pieces.

5) Set up all food and drinks on a plastic tablecloth. Make sure to use paper cups and paper plates. These are easy to dispose of.

6) Enjoy your party.

7) An hour after your parent expected time ot return, force your guest to leave. The best way to get them out of your house is turn off the music and tell them to that your parents are on their way home. Rally a few of your friends to help you. If this doesn't work, threaten your guests by telling them that the police are on their way, this will make them flee for sure.

8) Once your guests are gone clean up your house. Throw away all cups and plates. Do not just put them in the trash, but also take them outside and put them in a dumpster or garbage bin. Put everything back to the way it was. Vaccum and dust if neccessary.

9) Recheck your house and make sure you haven't missed anything.

10) Act as if you had never thrown a party, when your parents come home. Lay on the couch and watch television or pretend to be asleep. Don't not do your homeowrk, this will only make your parents suspicous.

Now you are prepared to throw a party and not get caught. Have fun and don't get too wild!!

How to Suck Up to a Teacher

Have you ever noticed that there's always that one teacher that seems to hate you no matter what you do? But wait, there is a solution to that problem! If you carefully follow each step provided, you'll be guaranteed an unlimited supply of adoration from all your teachers.

First of all, throw away the preconceived notion that teachers like students who participate. Like the rest of your classmates, teachers also tend to get annoyed of the students who constantly raise their hands in order to answer the question first or blurt out the answers. It has been established that he or she is capable of answering the questions already and your teachers want to provide the opportunity to call on a different student. Instead of raising your hand 5 times a day, you should try and raise it only if you have something really insightful to add to the class discussions. If you have nothing to contribute to the discussion, raise your hand and ask a question to start another discussion among the students, preferably something that will cause a dispute between them. That way, your teacher will be pleased that the students actually know how to use their mouths in class. Most teachers love it when their students say exactly what they, themselves, are thinking, so stay after class every day and ask your teacher what the lesson plan is for tomorrow. You should always study at least two days ahead so that you know the material before the rest of the class does. That way you will have extra time to reread the 400-page novel three times more.

This brings us to the second point; always do extra credit. If your teacher provides extra credit, I suggest you make most of the chance to take your 98% to the next level. If you're only allowed to do one project but you are provided with two options, just do the second option as well, even if you don't get the credit. Write as neatly as possible and use a lot of color; I suggest using the Crayola brand of markers because it's "preferred by teachers", and while you're at it, don't just get the classic colors, get the assorted ones for an extra 10 tropical-esque markers. You always want to overachieve so that your teacher knows you put in the extra effort. When writing an essay, first ask your classmates how long their essays are so that you can write one page more than everybody else. Always use big words so your teacher is impressed at the variety of your vocabulary. You should confront your teacher two days before your essay is due and ask him or her to proofread your essay in order to eliminate the risk of getting an A instead of that A+ you are so used to getting.

The next step is pretty risky because it depends on the teacher, but if your teacher happens to be one that likes gifts, this step is perfect for you. I wouldn't exactly call it bribing; it's just an indirect way of raising your teacher's interest towards you. You shouldn't use this step unless it's a holiday because you don't want him or her to notice that you're actually trying to suck up; everything must be in secret. It usually works best right before Christmas and Chanukah because prices are usually really low so you can buy presents for each of your teachers. Wrap it nice and tight so no wrinkles are exposed. Decorate it with a nice big bow and maybe even add a card. Give it to them the day before winter break, and smile and laugh while you hand them the gift. Don't forget to say a few words of appreciation and flatter your teacher as much as possible.

Girls may have a slight advantage in this fourth stage. Whenever you confront your teacher about academic advice or about tomorrow's material, use that high pitched tone you use to talk to your boyfriend. Smile consistently while you talk and look your teacher in the eye. I also found that teachers like it when you use a "cute" voice and wring your hands ever so slightly. Be careful not to wring too much or else it looks like you're afraid of talking to him or her. For a greater effect, laugh at almost anything your teacher says. Even if it's not funny, some of the older teachers love it when you laugh at their jokes; your grades might even go up 1%, so it's always worth a try.

These are just a few of the many steps towards achieving full status as a "suck-up" student. Although students might make fun of you for being a teacher's pet, who cares? As long as your teacher likes you, nothing matters. Your teacher controls your grades, so therefore you must learn to control whether or not your teacher likes you. Get that A+ you worked for!


"If you found this article to be helpful, check out the rest of the series, How to Be Liked by the Student Body: A Guide for Dummies."

How to Cook for Your Enemies

It doesnt take much culinary mastery to become a successful cook, nor does it take much to cook for your worst enemy in hopes of dispensing his presence once and for all. There simply will be many times when someone makes fun of you, or simply bothers you with their existence in the world, this is where my "How to Cook for Your Enemies" cookbook will come in handy. Whether you want to ruin his meal by cooking up a "special" recipe, or want to burn a hole in his stomach, listen to what I Chef Justin have to tell you based on my numerous experiences of sinister cooking.

First of all, invite that "special" person to either a breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I prefer to invite them to dinner as the night gives off an eerie feeling, and also gives you the cover of the night to dispose of his body. Act pleasant, as if you dont hate him at all. If you dont get over this first step, your whole plan is ruined. Act casual, as if you have no problem being in his repugnant presence.
Second, its a little time for grocery shopping. Decide what you want to cook up for his "last supper" in the case that you want to destroy him, or just choose the most disgusting food on the list to ruin his dinner, and possibly his outlook on food for the rest of his life. When I just want to ruin his dinner, I like to buy a little bit of fish heads and cow eyes for the main course, and mabye even throw in some intestines as a side dish. If i want to do a little more damage, I like to add: a pinch of feces, a drop of blood, shreds of animal skin, definitely some poison (preferably the Heinz brand) and the classical length of plucked hair.
Finally, prepare the food. Take your main course item, whether it be fish heads or cow eyes and soak it in the poison. Let it sit for about 10-15 minutes so it really seeps into the meat. While waiting, you can prepare the intestines. I like to make sure they have some feces, dry blood, shreds of skin, and a little bit of poison in there as well. Finally, when all is done here, finish up your masterpiece with the hairs. Really spread them around, and make sure that they are in clear view. Its your choice whether you want to grill, boil, or leave the course raw. Its your enemy, he deserves it right?

Bon Appetite.

How to Pretend to Clean Your Room

If you have to clean your room, and your parents are like mine, you will not be allowed to go out until your room has loss its status as a "tornado." While you may enjoy the satisfaction of a spotless habitat, cleaning can take hours. There are times when you will need to fake a clean room in order to be allowed to go out with your friends. In these cases, you will first have to convince your parents that you actually want to clean your room. When they tell you that you cannot leave the house until they can see your floor, agree with them. If they believe you want to clean your room, they will not be suspicious when you emerge a half hour later, claiming you have finished.
When you pretend to clean your room, the biggest problem is finding a place to put all of your stuff. I have found that shoving clothes under my bed, between my bed and the wall, or in my closet works effectively. Sometimes my mom will open one of my drawers when she is admiring my "cleaned" room, so I do not suggest cramming every shirt you own into one drawer. After all your stuff has been concealed, you simlpy have to put the finishing touches on your room. Make your bed, straighten things on your shelves, and vacuum. Mothers love when you vacuum. At this point, tell your parents you have cleaned your room. If they come into your room to check your efforts, just pray that they will not look under your bed, at least not until you are gone.

Topic 6: Humorous Process Instructions

Using "How to Escape from a Bad Date" as a model, write your own 'survival' instructions. You can steal Jennifer's idea and write a process piece about how to get a good college recommendation, borrow an idea from The Worst Case Scenario Book, or come up with your own unique, creative and brilliant plan. Remember to consider PAPA (keeping in mind that your peers are your intended audience). If you have the makings of a a multi-page essay in your head, you don't have to write the entire novel; you can provide us with an excerpt. Post as an author. Have fun!

Outside Magazine

Dear Editor of Outside Magazine,

This letter is in regards to the article that you ran on Christopher McCandless. I have to say that I was truly left inspired by the journey of this man and was amazed by the stories of his escapades. How one man could survive by himself living purely off the good of the land is unbelievable, and to think that after such an amazing journey that he's fall was due to a bad plant is just heartbreaking. Although McCandless's story is inspirational and motivating there are some things that left me questioning his actions. Why would a young man go all by himself into the uninhabited wild of Alaska, of all places, with barely enough supplies to withstand normal circumstances? While this is extremelly impressive, it's just dumb. He never had any proper training in survival techniques, although I'm sure with a brain like his he did do some sort of research, but still even the most risktaking daredevils don't adventure into the wild with no more than a bag of rice and a tiny rifle. It stated that he had always succeeded in everything that he did and maybe since he never had to face failure in his life it made him feel invinsible. Which shows how naive and ignorant he was. It was as if he felt that luck was so much on his side that nothing would ever happen to him, and I guess if one never experiences failure they would get that same sense. But if he were really as intelligent as the article claimed then he would have had at least enough sense to know that when dealing with nature and uncontrolable elements there's no knowing what's going to happen and that's its better to be safe then sorry. Which makes me question his intent of the journey. Now I don't think that he really intended on trying to committ suicide but when all you do is challenge yourself with things of either life or death resultants, aren't you in a way tempting fate? Although even though he did have kind of a conceited err about him in respect to his feelings of invinsibilty, he was still a very simplistic kind of guy. He never asked for anything or any type of recognition, he simply just wanted to live with the elements in nature.

To Outside Magazine

Dear Editor of Outside Magazine,


The article about Chris McCandless’s journey was really inspiring and impacting. Many people aren’t able to appreciate the beauty of nature. Some try to appreciate it, but aren’t able to find the courage to leave their homes and families behind. It really shocked me that Chris McCandless had the courage to leave his family and his home, to venture out into the wild of Alaska, especially at his such a young age. I admire his bravery to depend solely on nature and its beauty. Not many people have the courage to leave their home and venture out into the wild. Chris McCandless risked his life to find happiness. He aspired to live and explore the beauty of nature and he did, without even looking back. He was determined to go to Alaska and eventually accomplished his goal. Many people say Chris McCandless was selfish for putting his life in risk and putting a great burden on his parents. They say he was crazy, but Chris just wanted to find happiness in his life, which could be achieved by exploring nature. However, I think Chris made the mistake of not taking any necessary survival equipment on his treacherous journey. His stubbornness led to his death. He refused to take a proper amount of food or any money in case of an emergency. Chris McCandless has shown me what it means to be a transcendentalist. To live with nature, he risked his life. He burned his money and took a very small quantity of food to survive off of. He even left his watch behind, because he didn’t want to know the time or what day it was. He accidentally ate some poisonous seeds, which led to his death. Chris may not have survived, but he was happy. He died where he was most happy and where he wanted to. Chris McCandless spent his last few days in pain, but not alone; he had nature to comfort him.

Sincerely,
Reena Patel

response

Dear Outside magazine,
Considering that most magazine articles do not particularly interest me, The article of Chris McCandless kept me intreged throughout the entire story, at the end my eyes gasping for more information. Actions such as the one he took are not seen often by the world(if ever). I am aware that the world can potentially have two different views on his journey, stupidity vs. courage. Although his mission was dangerous, i choose to see him as a figure of courage and strength.
Anyone can venture into to wild, searching for something more to life or to themsleves but they way he went about his journey and especially his attitude really grabbed my attention throughout the article. It seemed so carefree and relient on nature to take care of him. He left every source of communication with society behind and was so sure of his decsion, not letting anyone change his mind. He isnt going out there to prove anything to the world and perhaps not even himself. Throughout the reading it seemed as though his personality benefitted every situation he encountered and had a dramatic influence on he met. I see him as a man of true courage with an incredibley strong heart. He wanted to live in a way that no one else hat the guts to do.
Anyone can speak of dropping everything, running into the wild, and discovering the true beauty of the world and oneself but Chris McCandless actually did it. Right there he set himself apart from the society, in a way that no one else had dared to do before.