How to write a lengthy blog post in as little as 5 minutes!

We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us). Your bloodshot sleep deprived eyes look down dreadingly at the clock- your mortal enemy. The electric numbers read off almost eleven o'clock. You try to focus on writing your English homework, but the thought alone of doing your blog post is fatiguing you. Well I have a solution for you! Just follow these simple easy to follow directions and you will soon be on your way to the heavenly shelter of your bed.

1.Start out with a catchy introduction. Having a catchy introduction is the second most important part of your piece because seldom will anyone read past it! Therefore, you should spend most of your labors on this part. For example, if you are writing a post on how to do a fast post, you could start out like this "We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us)..". These 10 seconds of attention getting will be worthwhile in the rest of your post and enables you to make most of the rest of your post ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!! Now isn't that appealing?

2. Insert seemingly important words into your seemingly important post to make your entire post seem seemingly much longer. Don't worry about the act of repeating words, the repetition will make your repeating paper seem longer and more important. chances are that no one will be actually reading your post anyway!

3. Skip step three. I never really saw the importance of this step. Therefore, proceed directly to step 4.

4. Make your sentences appear coherent and flow well, when really all you're writing is stream of consciousness. This may be the hardest step, but with practice, you'll be a pro in no time! Just remember that going off on a tangent is A OK! The execution of this step is very important in the entire layout of your paper. First, it makes you seem more intelligent. Also, it will add credibility to your piece and make your piece seem to actually be saying something. For example, I once had a neighbor named Johnny. Johnny always enjoyed writing long blog posts, but then one day Johnny moved away to California. It turns out he ended up liking California much better than here, and deemed blog posts totally worthless compared to the beach. He liked the beach because of the beautiful blue water and the pretty hells. He once ate shellfish and got really sick. It was sad and he almost had to go to the hospital. I never really enjoyed the hospital much, just like I never enjoyed writing long blog posts, unlike Johnny! That silly goose!
Notice how I just spent a paragraph talking about literally nothing at all! Once you get this down pat, you are on your way

5. SPELLENG AND GRAMMER DON'T COUTN PHOOLS!!! NE SUCKR WHO WOOD SPEND VALUBLE TIME WORRY ABOOT THIS BE STUPID!! CONSIDR UR PAPR TO B ANARCHY ON EVERYTHIN U EVER LEARN IN ENGLSH CLAS!!

6. Next, finish your paper eloquently, because nothing makes people forget a bad body paragraph like a good clincher! Say something like "Through the logic of steps 1-6 (#3 in particular), you all now can be masters of laziness!". Also, in case your teacher actually read the body paragraph, skip a few lines and put in the REAL most important part.



Mrs. Gerber is the best English teacher in the world, and wouldn't even dream of not giving me full credit on this assignment! I consider myself the luckiest student on the face of the earth to have her as my teacher.


7. Put in a disclaimer in case things get ugly.

DISCLAIMER: THE STATEMENT ABOVE DOES NOT APPLY IF I DO NOT RECEIVE FULL CREDIT ON THIS ASSIGNMENT.

8. If your teacher gets angry at you the next day, do the most logical thing and blame it on Matt "The Artist formerly known as Fat Chubbard" Hubbard. Say he went into a jealous rage, and as a result sabotaged your insightful and purposeful post and ate your dog.

DISCLAIMER: NO DOGS WERE ACTUALLY EATEN BY MATT HUBBARD IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST.