How to Suck Up to a Teacher

Have you ever noticed that there's always that one teacher that seems to hate you no matter what you do? But wait, there is a solution to that problem! If you carefully follow each step provided, you'll be guaranteed an unlimited supply of adoration from all your teachers.

First of all, throw away the preconceived notion that teachers like students who participate. Like the rest of your classmates, teachers also tend to get annoyed of the students who constantly raise their hands in order to answer the question first or blurt out the answers. It has been established that he or she is capable of answering the questions already and your teachers want to provide the opportunity to call on a different student. Instead of raising your hand 5 times a day, you should try and raise it only if you have something really insightful to add to the class discussions. If you have nothing to contribute to the discussion, raise your hand and ask a question to start another discussion among the students, preferably something that will cause a dispute between them. That way, your teacher will be pleased that the students actually know how to use their mouths in class. Most teachers love it when their students say exactly what they, themselves, are thinking, so stay after class every day and ask your teacher what the lesson plan is for tomorrow. You should always study at least two days ahead so that you know the material before the rest of the class does. That way you will have extra time to reread the 400-page novel three times more.

This brings us to the second point; always do extra credit. If your teacher provides extra credit, I suggest you make most of the chance to take your 98% to the next level. If you're only allowed to do one project but you are provided with two options, just do the second option as well, even if you don't get the credit. Write as neatly as possible and use a lot of color; I suggest using the Crayola brand of markers because it's "preferred by teachers", and while you're at it, don't just get the classic colors, get the assorted ones for an extra 10 tropical-esque markers. You always want to overachieve so that your teacher knows you put in the extra effort. When writing an essay, first ask your classmates how long their essays are so that you can write one page more than everybody else. Always use big words so your teacher is impressed at the variety of your vocabulary. You should confront your teacher two days before your essay is due and ask him or her to proofread your essay in order to eliminate the risk of getting an A instead of that A+ you are so used to getting.

The next step is pretty risky because it depends on the teacher, but if your teacher happens to be one that likes gifts, this step is perfect for you. I wouldn't exactly call it bribing; it's just an indirect way of raising your teacher's interest towards you. You shouldn't use this step unless it's a holiday because you don't want him or her to notice that you're actually trying to suck up; everything must be in secret. It usually works best right before Christmas and Chanukah because prices are usually really low so you can buy presents for each of your teachers. Wrap it nice and tight so no wrinkles are exposed. Decorate it with a nice big bow and maybe even add a card. Give it to them the day before winter break, and smile and laugh while you hand them the gift. Don't forget to say a few words of appreciation and flatter your teacher as much as possible.

Girls may have a slight advantage in this fourth stage. Whenever you confront your teacher about academic advice or about tomorrow's material, use that high pitched tone you use to talk to your boyfriend. Smile consistently while you talk and look your teacher in the eye. I also found that teachers like it when you use a "cute" voice and wring your hands ever so slightly. Be careful not to wring too much or else it looks like you're afraid of talking to him or her. For a greater effect, laugh at almost anything your teacher says. Even if it's not funny, some of the older teachers love it when you laugh at their jokes; your grades might even go up 1%, so it's always worth a try.

These are just a few of the many steps towards achieving full status as a "suck-up" student. Although students might make fun of you for being a teacher's pet, who cares? As long as your teacher likes you, nothing matters. Your teacher controls your grades, so therefore you must learn to control whether or not your teacher likes you. Get that A+ you worked for!


"If you found this article to be helpful, check out the rest of the series, How to Be Liked by the Student Body: A Guide for Dummies."