Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Winter Break

Hi, folks --



Don't post a response, but here are your reminders for Winter Break.



1. Relax.

2. Read your Literary Research Book. If you are not in love, contact me before halfway through break so we can discuss other options.

3. Reread the argument chapter of Patterns

4. Create a 1-2 page rhetorical analysis of an advertisement (and this can be a political campaign) addressing the following...


  • Purpose

  • Appeal

  • Audience

  • Evidence/credibility -- fact vs opinion

  • Fallacies

  • Deductive or inductive reasoning

We'll take a look at these ads when you get back to class, so bring the ad with to class, and then you'll develop your analysis a bit more that night, considering diction, syntax, effectiveness. If you want to be a go-getter and do this over break, feel free.


5. Read advertisement on page 582 and The Declaration of Independence in argument chapter for Tuesday after break.

6. Relax some more.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

How to be an Assistant Principal

Being an assistant principal is among the most strenuous and unappreciated jobs. However, a truly good assistant principal will know exactly how to conduct his or herself so as to relieve the everyday pressures of this important position.

First of all, make sure you remind everyone that you are the assistant principal, because clearly, the sign above your door which reads "Assistant Principal's Office" is not enough. Even your name tag, labeled assistant principal, will not always work as expected. Everyone needs to be reminded sometimes, and no one will mind.


Also, when writing passes for people recieving two detentions, be sure to draw a smiley face on each one. This will confuse foolish freshman, and immediately alert upper classmen to their plight, allowing everyone a good laugh, except the freshman, but they don't count one way or the other. Misleading new students is simply another part of your job, and anyone who does it will will even be able to pin on some extra detentions for insubordination.

Finally, having done your job as best you can, give yourself a pat on the back, and celebrate by constructing a large, unsightly office. Location doesn't matter, really, but the more trafficked the area, the better. That way everyone will see your office, and more importantly you'll get that oh so important ego booster that every Assistant Principal needs. This also serves to bemuse and confuse.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Metaphor

The stream of life trickles by,

the moments drip dripping.

Life flows by,

overcoming each stone.


Yet through the unity,

each prick leaves a ripple,

touching every drop,

until it is a wave,

crashing upon the

rocky shores

at the bottom of the fall.

How could I have made this metaphor more comprehensive?

How apt is this metaphor in describing life's intricacies?

Revision

I think I would add more lines and description to my poem to help the flow. I might try adding rhymes or stanzas to help with the transition from fall to winter.

Revesion Thoughts

If I were to revise my piece, I would change the line discussing fear, and I would insert a line or two that discusses the break between healthy determination and counterproductive determination. I would also discuss how determination is connected to failure, and I would re-arrange the last line to help the reader understand the whole meaning of the piece better.

Metaphor Revision...

I would add more lines to the metaphor. Also more parts to a rollarcoaster to make it resemble life better. I would spend a little more time on it... and possibly make it rhyme better.

extended metaphor revision

If I could revise this piece, I think I'd first change it into a consistant rhythmic pattern and then make the rhymes a tad more consistant too. I'd omit/ change around some of the lines in the poem maybe, and flirt with the idea of adding more lines to it. I'd try to use more literature devices like alliterations and more similes within the metaphor.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

A dream is a cloud

A dream is a cloud
suspended upon airy words
and wispy memories
it will flow through your mind
like a legion of swords
it can blot out the sun
and rain it down upon everyone
it's made out of a pasty gray
which can form an absolute dark
and once you tread into the mist
The contrast is fore'er stark
because a cloud will fade
even as you follow
but between a heart and a cloud
is a bond unbreakable in man
capable of shredding a soul
and seperating a strand
A strand alone
brighter than the rays of dawn
and capable of dispatching all
of the carrion decay
And yet while cloud's cascade away
they hold the key to a glorious fall

O' may God bless the dreamer
for his path shan't be bland
and he shall be enshrined
into the promised land






1. What other functions of a cloud could I compare with a dream?

2. as far as rhythmic patterns, I was thinking about making it Iambic pentameter or at least something more defined, but decided against it. At what parts of the poem does the lack of rhythm suffer most and any suggestions on how to better it?

Life is a rollar coaster

Swathi Nanduri


Life is a Roller coaster


It spins you around sometimes it plunges you to the ground.

It thrills as it spins. It causes laughter and sometime tears.

Some freak out about it others just relax and enjoy it.

Sometimes it even gives you the chills, because of all those thrills.

It is unexpected and you never know what is after the loop.

Sometimes it stops right on the tracks or when you’re upside down.

Life is a rollarcoaster…

Is this in the correct way of writing an extended metaphor?...
What did you like the most about it?...

Friday, November 30, 2007

Extended Metaphor: A Pie I Am

I am a pie.

Unfamiliar with the filling, hidden beneath my thick brown crust, when you first see me I may not seem too favorable. But once you break through my thick outer crust and dig into my luscious filling, I am dense and warm inside. I let my heat run through your body. I may seem shy at first, but once you get to know me I am outgoing and talkative. Making people laugh and filling their hearts with joy, people become addicted to my sweetness, longing for more.

I come in a variety of flavors. Some are appealing while others are not. My most enjoyed flavor is apple, sugary and sweet, spiced with a tint of cinnamon and nutmeg. Most often I am sweet and gentle. I care for others, even if I don’t know them very well. My sweetness brings people happiness. My most despised flavor, rhubarb, brings people a quick taste of tartness, causing my victims’ faces to make a bitter expression, while pushing the plate away from them. My anger and yelling causes people to back away from me in disgust. My bulging eyes and bright red face scares them off, not wanting to take another bite. Depending on the individual, a person may or may not like one of my many flavors, but I have them all.

I am a pie. Flavored in the inside and sheltered on the outside. You must break through my crust to really get to know me. In most cases, you will find me addicting and pleasure to have in front of you, but there comes those days where the chef forgets to add the sugar and I become a bitter pie, lonely and raged.

I am a pie.



What did you find most interesting?

What can I do to improve my extended metaphor?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Life is like Chicago Weather

Life is like Chicago weather.

we excitedly prance outside of the mall wearing shorts and a T-shirt, expecting another beautiful sunny summer day.
Inner peace and contentment, facing no troubles or drama
Clouds shift over your head, far from white and fluffy.

One by one the raindrops hit you, and you never saw it coming
Severe storms including a frightening thunder and a blinding lightning hit you.
Channel 5 assured you to expect sunny with a high of 75.
Severe winds shake your once stable establishment.
Violent rains drops crash in every imaginable space, cutting you off from any source of light.

Trapped, confused, impatient.
Places to go, this storm is not scheduled into your plans
It never is
You not ready to deal with this situation.
You never are
Completely unpredictable

Maybe it’s not about acquiring the ability to prepare for the weather, or the trials life bestows upon you
Perhaps it’s about learning to dance in the rain, disregarding how many times Tom Skilling looked you in the eye and told you to leave your umbrella at home.

questions
Which point in my piece is weakest and how would you improve it?

What is another direction I could potentially take this piece in?

Extended Metaphor

Determination is an infection.
It creeps upon its host, silently,
While the victim goes about his business unsuspectingly.
Comprised of small vows and big dreams,
Determination is its own enemy.
The only thing that ever undid determination is failure.
Failure created from the ashes of burnt reservations.
Values; sacrificed, beliefs; comprimised, personality; dead
All lost in the face of blinding determination.
Which takes over its host like a gunman takes control of a hostage
Demanding perfection in all it's possibilities,
Demanding complete obedience.
Determination breeds arrogance, stirring confidence in a sick melting pot
Brewing haughtiness and contempt, it bubbles viciously, waiting
Waiting... Waiting for the chance to make one something undone
Determination is all that one fails to become


1. What thoughts does this give you about the possibile effects of too much determination?
2. What lines or sections don't flow or coincide with the rest of the piece?

Ex10ded meta4

love is an upside down book written backwards
the words are illegible, but exist
which men have spent lives trying to decode
Many people can't see that love has been lost in translation
because the act of love is getting lost in translation
But most people are too proud to love
And consider the book to be meager
just to cover up the inadequacies
that plague their silly little lives
But to those who still believe
may find at the end of the book
that their lives succeed
and that even the poorest of men
may be draped in the robes of a king
and may find their pockets full the kind of currency
that you can take with you
yes, love is a very real thing

metaphor

Our brain is a computer.

Thinking, reasoning, calculating numbers and words,

Giving us answers to life's problems,

"Just use your head," now means

"Just Google it."

The workings of both machines in our life are a mystery to most.

This is except, of course,

To the tech-whizzes and neurologists.

However the only thing the great computer inside our head cannot do,

Is print.



How can I add more lines to the metaphor? What are ideas for lines I can add?


Which part of the metaphor needs the most revision?

The Battle of the Boat

My boat sails smoothly across the surface of the ocean. The sun beats down on the ocean and the boat, warming everything it touches. The wind propels the boat, softly, subtly, and smoothly. A few hours pass by, and then suddenly a burst of wind pushes my boat to the side; as if in a pit of frustration. The gust of wind is short, but fierce. The boat continues to sail smoothly, regaining its focus. The boat seems to concentrate on the task at hand: simply just trying to sail, but then, abruptly, something happens. The wind picks up, the sky darkens. The waves climb higher. White caps begin to form, and it soon becomes extremely difficult for the boat to travel across the surface of the ocean as it once did so easily before. The boat, struggling, rocks violently over the waves, going up and down and up and down, desperately fighting to win this battle. The boat travels fast to the west, the opposite way it was once traveling. However, the boat’s persistence is consistent. The sails stay strong on the boat, the strongly built hull withstanding everything the waves thrash against it. Eventually, after a long and unforeseen struggle, the boat prevails. It stands proud.

Sometimes unexpected things happen, and there is nothing you can do about it but just learn to overcome it. Life will throw whatever it can at you, and one must always be prepared. Sometimes, just when you think life is going smoothly, a sudden twist will catch you by surprise and throw you a little off balance. However, all you need to do is stay strong, focus on your morals and your goals, and you will overcome them. Sometimes you’ll be headed down a path, but then a person will interfere and cause you to go the complete opposite direction, or a situation will leave you turned around. You might find yourself in a never-ending up and down battle. However, no matter how fierce the wind may be, no matter how large the waves may seem, you too can prevail.



1.) Which part of the piece did you like the best? Were you able to relate?

2.) Where does my piece need improvement?




Revision:

If I were to revise this piece of writing, I would change a few things. First, I could change the second paragraph or completely take it out. When I wrote the second paragraph, I assumed that the readers would not connect what I was relating the boat to, which is why I included it. However, it may seem like I am the analyzing my own metaphor, so it could be taken out. Also, I would add in a few more examples describing other situations with the boat that might help convey my metaphor of life being like a boat. Finally, I could break the piece up into separate paragraphs so that it might be easier for the readers to completely visualize what is happening in the metaphor.

The World in a Kitchen

Life is a cake, and we the bakers. The kitchen can be seen as our laboratory where we can experiment with new ideas, or alter an old recipe. In the kitchen we have total control over the decisions of what we are going to put into the batter of our cake. If we follow a recipe we can either decide to go along with tradition and follow it step by step, or we can decide to be a little daring and tweak some simple elements here or there. If we really want to take a step on the wild side and break loose we may throw all recipes out the door and create one that is all our own. No matter what we choose to do the basic ingredients that go into making a cake never changes. There is always going to be sugar, flour, eggs, and butter. So with such simple ingredients how is it that so many cakes can turn out wrong?

With any experiment the only way to assure the perfect results is to have multiple trials, otherwise known as trial and error. Baking takes the special touch of knowing just the right proportions of ingredients to amount to the perfect cake. For one to truly master the art of baking takes experimentation. No one wakes up just knowing how to bake, in fact more people usually fail at obtaining the perfect touch of baking than people who master the art. The people who can call themselves true "bakers" obtained this right through dedication and passion. They simply do not give up after a few failed attempts of baking a cake, they push on until they reach perfection. With passion and dedication they succeed at making something as wonderful as a simple cake. While this may not seem like much, how many of us are capable of this simple task?

What was your understanding of the piece?
What were some of the weakness that I could improve to make the piece stronger?

Extended Metaphor

The wind is my faith.
It is strong and powerful,
Something I can’t see, but I can feel.
A breeze brushes past my skin,
Giving a cool breath that refreshes me momentarily from the hot sun.
It circles around me and then points in its own direction.
It is much easier to walk with it, rather than try to go against it.
The wind surrounds me, even at night,
When I am all alone and in total darkness.
I still feel it. I can close my eyes and know that the wind is still there.
Unfortunately, there are times when trees don’t sway back and forth.
Wind can stop and disappear, except it never dissapoints
Because, as always, it will return once again
To point in a certain direction, so I can join the wind and walk with it.

How well does my poem flow?

Are there any changes I could make? What are they?

Extended Metaphor

Life is like a well run game of Dungeons & Dragons.
We all begin with a small bit of knowledge and a blank character sheet.
Pen in hand, you peruse the rule books, marveling at the possibilities laid out before you.
And by a throw of the dice, your immediate future is decided.
Without much more than a basic grasp of the rules, you venture out into the unknown.
Your first quest is a memorable as your latest as you drink to celebrate another job well done.
But the glory is short lived when you find yourself losing interest.
Party members come and go as everything settles into a slow repetitive cycle.
And just as you are losing yourself; drowning in sorrow and ale, you are called upon once more.
Rallied to vanquish the evil that threatens to engulf the land.
But you think that you cannot do anything, you feel sad, hopeless, lost.
Until one day, an old friend comes to visit.
They don't chastise your unexpected retirement, but talk of the days of old.
"What of that dragon in the northern lands?" he asks, "Or the cyclopes in the west?"
And by the end of the day, you are alight with new purpose; determination burning in your eyes.
Mounting your trusty steed and shouldering your weapon of choice, you ride off into the sunset once again.

4th Edition rulebooks are out in May of '08!

Questions:
Should be poem be retooled to be just a general fantasy metaphor (as of the the D&D plug doesn't do much for the piece).

Is the poem too cryptic to makes sense (i.e. can you feasibly make connections after you've dug just a little bit deeper)?

Changes
Alex Paul makes a good point about the first sentence. I would say that (looking at the comments) the poem is accessible enough to most people, but still has its head-stratching moments, which to me, makes the metaphor more realistic (well, as realistic as casting magic and slaying dragons gets). Adding in some kind of ending would be nice too, kinda like overcoming whatever hurdle you have in life and moving onto the next one.

Extended Metaphor

Jack Frost is a king,
Ruling above earth with absolute sovereignty.
He sits alone in his castle,
Teasing and tricking while plotting and scheming,
against the leaves and the trees,
who do not want to succumb to the coldness.
The leaves beg and resist, remaining firm to their branch.
But no amount of power can stop King Frost.
With a mighty blow, the leaves fall to their doom.
And are pelted with shards of his crystal clear glass.
And as the thin sheet of snow,
ends the rebellion,
Fall comes to an end,
and a new reign begins.




Questions- What do I need to fix?
How can I make my metaphor flow better?

life is a pond

Extended Metaphor: Life

Life is a small, transient pond.
When trying to examine the life of someone else, all you can see is the very surface,
But under that there is a huge depth and variety.
The surface of the pond is never perfect,
Forever marred by ripples, waves, and the troubles of everyday life.
But underneath that life is tranquil and pleasant.

The rain disturbs the pond, sometimes severely.
But with it the pond grows deeper and more complex,
More serious disturbances make life that much more filling and meaningful.
When no rain comes to replenish life,
The pond dries up, withers away, and dies.
We need events to happen for life to retain meaning.

The pond of life is never empty.
Fish are thoughts and feeling bubbling inside of us,
They rise to the conscious level and cause ripples in our lives, as thoughts trigger actions.
The winds of events create waves on the surface,
But rarely reach the murky bottom that contains our deepest secrets and desires.
But one huge storm can always cause everything to be thrown around and rearranged.
1. What are some possible comparisons between a pond and life that I did not include?
2. How could I have improved my transitions?

School is a stinky trash can

School is a trash receptacle.
At the beginning of each year you buy a brand new one.
Shiny and sleek with a reminiscent scent.
You look forward to being filled with information
and doing new things
As these things grow old however so does your trash can
Dirty from use and filling up quickly with the knowledge instilled everyday
you feel the crushing mass weighing you down.
Soon what used to be a shiny, new fresh bin
has become a soiled, smelly mess,
and only fills higher with every paper and test,
Just when you feel your about to overflow however
Trash day arrives,
A chance to sort through the congealed mass of information
and polish up that shiny bin rejuvenated for yet another week.
This repetitive process might seem overwhelming to some.
Yet one mans trash is another mans treasure
To the dumpster diver with the right mind set,
the apparently useless chaos can be harvested to find real treasure
In the form of knowledge that can take you from rags to riches.

What are some other trash related metaphorical objects I could use?
How was my usage of extended metaphor effective?

Extended Metaphor

Life is like a balloon
It starts out wrinkly and small,
An infant waiting to be filled with knowledge of the world
As each day passes, more information is pumped into the little child
He grows bigger, and stronger, and more confident
He's able to hold his own against his peers,
Like a giant balloon bouquet
Soon, however, the child is filled to what he thinks is capacity
The information becomes too much and he feels as if he will burst
He grows larger, and larger, as he is required to take on more tasks
Some children grow past this stage
Of feeling like they are on the edge of popping
They are filled to the brim and tied off with a pretty ribbon
They live their prime, and then shrink in size
Regaining their wrinkles
And returning, essentially, to their infant state
However, some balloons POP! before this stage
Sometimes, I think, we all just want to pop.

Extended Metaphor: Roller Coasters, Life, and Galore

Life is a child on his first roller coaster ride at Six Flags. Afraid to death of the people screaming their heads off and the thought of being hundreds of feet above ground at an exhilarating speed of 60 miles per hour, he waited in line with his parents on each side of him. The three of them entered the long line, and the little boy plastered a smile on his face, anxious for what laid ahead. But as hours passed by, he grew restless and nagged his parents to make the line go faster. Unable to stay in one place, he walked in circles, jumped up and down, and climbed on the poles that separated each row. But soon after his whining and complaining that his legs hurt, he faced the gigantic car; the Raging Bull. He gulped as his dad sat on his left and his mom sat on his right, both helping him buckle into his seat. He knew they would be there to hold his hands and closed eyes as he prepared for the battle to come. The little boy jerked forward, and as his body leant backwards, the whole system accelerated slowly on an incline. He braced himself for he knew what was coming. He squeezed his parents’ hands and tears ran down his face like a water faucet, soaking the collar of his shirt. The little boy’s world was in slow motion, and being an innocent little child, he wished with all his heart that the roller coaster would just stop where it was. However, despite all his wishing and praying, he felt himself at the climax; he was on top of the world. His heart beat rapidly for what awaited him at the bottom, but everything was downhill from there. No more suspense, no more waiting, and no more internal battles. He felt his tears dry up as the wind pushed his hair out of his face while he screamed at the top of his lungs letting all the stress he had held for the past 2 hours out. After many more twists and turns and unexpected ups and downs that made his stomach do flip flops, he found himself at the exit, failing to suppress the wide grin on his face that told the world he had just conquered his first roller coaster.

Life is a young adult on his second roller coaster ride. After successfully defeating his fear of roller coasters, he found himself in line once again, this time surrounded, not by his parents, but by his many friends. Forgetting about the long line he had once complained about years ago, he spent the nauseating long time playing games and flirting with the girls. He sat in a roller coaster car his friends all around him as they all laughed nervously and joked around with each other. The all too familiar ride started again and he found himself once again feeling himself go up. He held his breath at the top, squeezing the hand of his girlfriend as she buried her head on his shoulder, and they all let loose as the roller coaster increasingly sped downhill. After several loop-the-loops and more downhill experiences, he and his friends found themselves at the exit, the boy again failing to suppress the grin on his face.

Life is a father on his third roller coaster ride. Many years later, he found himself in the position of his parents, taking his son on his first roller coaster ride. He no longer felt the excruciating pain in waiting in line, but instead understood that this was part of the experience of riding the roller coaster. Without waiting in the long lines, he wouldn’t be able to achieve his goals and overcome his fears. Through his past experiences, he helped his son feel better about the adventure that was nearing them; he became someone that his son looked up to for advice and guidance.

Life is a new roller coaster. No one knows what it has in store for you, with unexpected twists and turns and the pain you must overcome to successfully come out through the exit. Life teaches you patience and helps you become the strongest that you can be. Each time life throws another curveball at you and you experience the stress again, you learn to accept the hard times and learn from them so the next time it happens, it won’t be as bad. Like the little boy chose to go on the roller coaster, we choose to make certain decisions not knowing the outcome of it. Yet everyday, we learn from these decisions and help others through the process of growing up.


1. Did my extended metaphor effectively portray the relationship between the roller coaster and life?

2. What suggestions would you give me to make my extended metaphor better?

Extended Metaphor: People and Sushi

People watching.
A glorious sport.
I sit on a bench
and recognize,
people are sushi.
The unique innards characterize each individual,
chosen so carefully and precisely,
yet all by another's hands.
The condiments complement well,
but are they really your own?
You get grouped
with others like you.
Others more beautifully wrapped,
and others more distorted.
Some roll out skimpy,
some roll out plump.
The delectable treats wrapped in seaweed.
Some skillful in the art of keeping it together,
while others fall apart.
Hands dictate what the product will be,
yet ultimately, hands, will be the ones that cause destruction.
Chomp chomp chomp.

Questions:
1) How can I make my introduction more effective?
2) What other examples about sushi could I include into my poem?

Extended Metaphor

Extended Metaphor-Lauren Pusateri

Life is a fake Christmas tree
You only get one shot to pick it out because it's pricey
You can pick the easy way out by ordering a pre-lite tree
or you can put in a hard days work and achieve it yourself.
It is always full of random things
ugly, sparkly, or just plain stupid.
It can be tall, big or small
Depending on how you like to flaunt it.
Some years it may look better then others,
It may not shine like the past,
But you should never lose hope in it.

It's always a hassle to put together,
But once it's complete, it's a beautiful thing.


Which example do you think was the closest to life?

What should i change about my metaphor?


If i had the opportunity to change my metaphor, I think one thing that would make it more enjoyable is the length. After having people comment about it, I realize that it would have been to my benefit to elaborate on the silly metaphor. I would also add it person experiances with the tree relating to mishaps in life. For example, Someone could knock over your tree at any time, and in life people can take things away from you at anytime.

High School and Life

High school is is our lives as we know it, and the patterns of our lives are composed inside
We wake up every single morning, ready to repeat what we did the day before
Work hard, study hard, try to get good grades, and make good friends
Adults everywhere replicate this feat every day as well, work hard and bring home the money
The teachers always tell us that high school is our job and that we should treat it as such
The first day of high school we all came in at a rather timid pace
Some frightened, others confused, but to all of us, a new and unexplored territory
It's the same story with new and young adults entering the real world
No time for play, now it is time for pay, time to start a family and get a good job
Through high school we spend and focus so much of our time on tests and study and homework
We sometimes forget to stop for a moment and take a good look around
Before we know it, this will all be over and we, just as the adults, must begin the transfer from adolescence to adulthood
Just as in life, we travel through easy times and the tough times, and at the end we look back and wonder where time has gone
The greatest problem with high school and life is that sometimes we cannot find a way to appreciate it, until time is almost up
In life we finally reach our middle age stage and have kids and a house, but life is still hard and the same repetition remains
It's junior year, the hardest year of all and frankly school sometimes sucks, tests become harder, social lives disappear
At last it is time for retirement, the kids are out of the house, there is money in the bank for a house in florida
Finally, it is time to relax and enjoy the lifestyle that we have spent all of our time working for
It's senior year, time to goof off and chill and enjoy our last few quarters at a school where we have spent most of the last 4 years
Now time is up, it is time for graduation and we all must move on to the next stage of life
We have spent our entire lives waiting to enjoy life itself, and now it's almost over, in an old and decrepit stage in life
Unable to now enjoy and relish in the great life that has been created by a life time of hard work
Point is, stop and enjoy life, no one knows how it is all going to end up, take a long look around and cherish the time that we have
As for the real world, the only way to not get screwed over like the rest of society, marry rich or make it big in the business world, that's all I have to offer.


1. What can I do to make this flow better?
2. Where does it hold your interest and what needs to be changed?



Revision
If i were to go back and revise my extended metaphor, I would change and fix my metaphor according to my groups comments and analysis. First I would make my purpose very clear so the the reader would not get lost in translation. Next I would make sure to use more transitions and prepositions so that certain sentences and ideas would not become jumbled together and confuse the reader. Overall I liked how my metaphor turned out, but there is always room for improvement, the main problem with my metaphor is that I jump between points in a persons life. My original purpose in doing this was to show the reader how I am comparing high school to a persons life all of the way up to retirement. I guess that it was not made clear and now looking back I can see how the reader might become confused. Otherwise thanks for the advice.

Extended Metaphor: The Lives of AP Students to the Colorado River

Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
Sometimes flowing lightly and gently depending on the canyon depts
Trundling along the canyon floors with calm and serenity
Our lives our like the mighty Colorado River
Sometimes rough, rapid, and unable to control
Many times we long for the freedom of time and society
We try to calm a raging storm
Looking for the sun to shine through the cracks of the gray skies
Scanning for the sight of hope
A rainbow flowing across the sky
Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
We enjoy the soft easy bends
We enjoy the warm peacefuly waters
Through areas like these do we enjoy our lives the most
We do not like the sharp jagged rocks and drowning currents
They are stabs in our hears
And struggles in our loves
We enjoy the nice peaceful waters
Our lives are the mighty Colorado River
Navigating the ups and the downs
Swimming through the twists and turns
And fighting for our lives as we try to ease them out

-------------------------------
Questions.

What specific changes would you make to the metaphor?

What did you think of the connection between the two subjects?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How to be a successful man

Being deemed successful is obviously of main concern to most if not all people you’ll ever meet. It’s why we go to expensive universities, or try out for the team, we want to prove ourselves to others, and to ourselves, we don’t go in expecting failure, and we certainly don’t go just for the fun. Our society is driven by the ideal of the “haves” and the “have-nots,” and if you want to be respected in this modern age you’ve got to be on top of the game. For the average man in this new era success means three things: Money, Women, and really, really good looks.
The most determining factor of success can be found by flipping out your pockets. The question on basically everyone’s mind is: How much green have you got in that Italian leather wallet? Cold hard cash can buy you most everything in this modern world, and those who tell you “Money can’t buy you happiness,” should be paid to shut up. If you aren’t already a corporate lawyer, or brain surgeon cranking out the cash, the solution to all your qualms is simple, just get a job punching numbers in a cubicle for some large firm for the rest of your life. Though it may not seem like much enjoyment at the time you’ll be thanking yourself forty years later after climbing the corporate ladder and still not being your own boss. Imagine the nice days you’ll be spending in luxurious country clubs, going for a few rounds of golf with your associates. Never mind the fact that your nearing sixty years old with arthritis so bad you can barely lug your boss’ bags around much less get through a full golf swing. Beyond the country club you can use all that hard-earned income to get the things that really matter… so family, self-fulfillment, personal pride?
Hell no, I’m talking all those great material possessions. Doesn’t really matter what they are as long as they’re the biggest, fastest, coolest, and of course most expensive. Because besides having it all in the bank, you’ve got to flaunt it. A good start would be having the biggest house, in the most exclusive neighborhood. So a little bit like “keeping up with the Jones,” you might ask? Wrong, your house should make the Jones’ look like it’s from the Projects. Beside your house though, all your things should be equal or better to your neighbors too. Does that mean couple of the biggest plasmas in every room? A full in home theater staffed full time is more like it. An indoor pool, and NBA certified basketball court make nice accessories as well.
Another must-have for the self-respecting successful man is an overly expensive car. It’s not just about getting from point A to point B any more, your car should be able to fly, to go underwater, have the best safety rating out there…and those extra cup holders. If you can help it, you should get that kicking sound system as well, it’s only a couple grand. When you roll down your street windows should shatter, and your ears should ring. Take note however that there is one thing that goes beyond all else in this regard: horsepower. Though of course you would never do it of course, your vehicle should have the ability to out run the cops while stopping for donuts along the way. When you rev that engine sonic booms should ensue, and the rotation of the earth should spin the other way. That is of course the only way to prove your self as “manly.”
With all these great things coming your way, flocks of women will undoubtedly follow. Everyone will want a piece of you, and why shouldn’t they? You’re super rich, and being so you are thus attractive, personable, and awesome. As a rule of thumb however never attach yourself to just one. Even when your married, which I would not advocate, you should be seeing at least two or three other women, just enough to make it to the tabloids, because you need all the publicity you can get. Don’t outstay your welcome though, your relationship should last a couple of years at most, and just make certain you get divorced at least a couple of times.
To be a “great”, successful man, you’ve got to look the part. Calvin Klein, Armani, and Express Men, are all good places to start. To be remembered you should be as flashy as possible. Some people will say that your clothes are “tacky,” but what do they know? They’re poor! Also to assume the role of the successful man, your got to achieve just the right air of self-entitlement, and arrogance. Learn to stand tall, and smirk at anyone who passes not wearing the best brands. Walk at an “on top of world” stride, and push passed anyone in your way, because obviously you earned it.
Another crucial way to look good is to invest, invest, invest. You should leave a lasting legacy, and the best way to share your success story is through a charity organization with your name on it. All the big kahunas have one, and philanthropist does have a good ring to it. Whether its feeding the poor, scholarship funds, or disease awareness it really doesn’t matter, as long as people see your name and associate it with “what a great guy.”
Why when you can have all that, would a person still try to forge his or her own way is beyond me. Self-discovery and fulfillment is overrated. If you want to choose a life of respect, money, and bountiful happiness just start crunching numbers.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The Official Guide to Korean Parenthood

I was asked to speak to you, the Korean parents of the students of Fremd High School, so that I may congratulate you for providing your children with an enjoyable childhood. Let me start off by stating Confucius; “Have no friends not equal to yourself.” This quote is so intuitive that it may take you an hour to fully understand the true meaning of it; you might even be reading this sentence an hour after you started due to the lack of knowledge of the American vocabulary. Although you have been in America for 15 years now, I understand that learning another language at the age of 30 is a very difficult task. By reading the school letters your student brings home, though, you have scrounged up enough words to call your child’s English teacher and complain about a mistake in the online grading system regarding your child’s latest test score, and I am proud of you for this accomplishment. Your child must be happy.
Korean children are so lucky to have parents like you all, parents who are so dedicated to organizing a jam-packed schedule to your child’s everyday life. The only way for your child to have a successful life is to study 24/7, excel in all his academic class, and play as many instruments as he can; in order to make this happen, force your child to start his homework right after school. Make sure you give him ample room on his desk for all eight of his 7-pound AP textbooks as well, and don’t let him out of his room unless he has written down two notebooks worth of notes. It doesn’t matter if your child has copied down the textbook verbatim because you won’t know what it’s saying anyway, and you also believe that long notes are good notes. If your child is receiving an A-, panic. You are doing something totally wrong and must find a private tutor for him immediately. I would suggest a place such as Sabio Academy, an extracurricular academy filled with other Korean students that qualifies to guarantee quick improvements in your child’s grades. By the end of the quarter, the A- will magically appear to its normal status of an A+. When your child comes up to you saying that he got the highest semester grade in the class, do not praise him. He will assume you are okay with an A, a clear suicide attempt. Instead, say, “You suppose to get A+. That’s why I travel 15 hours to born you here in country of America; so you have good life in 10 years later.” This will open the eyes of your child and help him understand that A’s no longer let you telecommunicate and A-‘s will leave him homeless. Gym is an exception. As long as your student is passing P.E. class, it doesn’t matter what grade he is getting because it’s not counted in his GPA and doesn’t affect his rank. Always compare your child to children of other Korean parents. Every time you compare him to another student, your child will become enraged and suddenly have the desire to overcome the other student. This will cause a rapid increase in academic performance.
Make sure to emphasize that someone else’s kid got a perfect on the ACT but your child only got a 35. Stressing the importance of the ACT and SAT is highly important while your child is growing up. Your child will never understand its value no matter how many times you tell him that it’s important. He just doesn’t realize how important a good ACT score is and how it affects his college application; trust me. You must tell him everyday starting at the age of 12 that it’s time for him to study The Princeton Review for the ACT. You should also personally talk to your student’s counselor and find out all the AP classes Fremd offers. Make sure to fill in all seven periods with challenging classes such as AP Physics, AP Biology, and AP Calculus BC. Never allow him to have a free period or a lunch. A free period will deprive him of further opportunities to learn and will eventually lead to failure in life.
If the homework, study, and tutor sessions don’t completely fill your child’s schedule, I highly recommend that you consider teaching him to learn the instruments of the string family. Never allow your child to play in the band because he will then be compared by your friends to their own children who play a stringed instrument and thus will be looked down upon in all of the Korean community. Playing the piano is a must. Start your child at the age of 5 so that he can become a piano genius by the age of 12. Schedule 1-hour lessons once a week and keep a record of all the days your child practices. I also highly recommend the violin; cellos are also an alternative, but only if your first child plays the violin. Your goal is to have a mini orchestra in the family so you can show them off at family reunions and birthdays. Never allow the viola or bass into the family; you don’t want to be the first one to break the tradition. If you have more than two kids, your third child can play the violin, and the pattern goes on. Who cares about the viola anyway? Violins are superior according to every Korean firstborn.
By the age of 10, your child should also know the fundamentals of one of the following sports: tennis, badminton, ping-pong, or any form of martial arts. Most parents prefer tennis because it is a widely recognized individual sport, crucial to the Korean culture. By the time your student is a freshman in high school, he should make the Varsity team and become captain his sophomore year. Not only should he excel in sports, but should also be actively involved in Student Council, NHS, SOS, Math Team, Debate Team, Chess Club, The Logue, Scholastic Bowl, and also become a member of the class board. In addition to taking the role of an active participant, he should also run for an executive position. If he fails to meet the criterion, simply call the sponsor and demand a phone conference. With the sentences your child has written out for you, all you have to do is simply read off the napkins and before you know it, the generous sponsors will offer your child a position as the President of their club because, just as you assumed, all the teachers at Fremd High School are so easy to manipulate.
I will once again bring up the quote from Confucius, not that saying it a second time will help the understanding of it; “Have no friends not equal to yourself.” When you finally figure out the meaning of the quote, you can begin action. Start by limiting the types of friends your child hangs out with. Always tell your child that you won’t let him talk to a certain friend because the friend isn’t smart enough to be your child’s friend. Only people who match your expectations can be friends with your child, so it is best you begin to introduce your own friend’s genius children to your own starting from the age of 6. Your child will quickly climb up the academic ladder while also slipping down the social one. But it doesn’t matter as long as you get into an Ivy League University and become a doctor or lawyer. You can live without friends for one year, junior year. Junior year is the most important of all four years of high school. It is crucial for your child to not screw up during this year. Be sure to tell your child, “Just think yourself is dead; so and so no more here. And then 5 years later, you become good doctor and then you have fun with friends. But now, just study, study, study.”

Parents, I advise you to heed to my guidance. Grades are everything for the success of your child. Constantly check his online grades and manually calculate the grades of each class in case there is a technical error with the computer’s calculator. With the little English that you know, go to your child’s teacher and confirm every single point so your child will never lose one. Be sure to convince your student to take all AP classes and get 5’s on each AP exam in May. That way you will save money when your child graduates early due to an exceedingly large amount of credits. Don’t forget to provide your child with a variety of music lessons so he or she can continue to maintain the Korean stereotype. Keep your child actively involved in school activities because the various clubs look astonishing on a college application. While you’re at it, make sure your child is also volunteering in the community, preferably a hospital because your child is striving to become a renowned doctor. By providing the opportunity for your child to participate in a sport, you will be instilling competition into his or her life. By doing so, your student will always compete against other students in order to become the winner at all times. Upon these few instructions, I now say to you, go and make a generation of happy, stress-free, Korean prodigies.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Satirical Paper

How to be Cool as Hell
Everyone wants to be loved, to be popular, to be counted as a “best friend” by many. To some degree, at least. But what is the secret? What’s the key to “being the coolest kid in town?” I’ll enlighten you. Be safe with what you say. Don’t be spontaneous, ever. Just say what you’ve always said; never say anything new. If it might have a chance of sounding different, don’t say it, cause that wouldn’t be cool, right? If someone else has already said it, then it’s probably ok to say. Unless they’re not cool. Just stick to the obviously safe things, no matter how boring and unoriginal they are.
Wear only the things that you’ve seen other people wear. Don’t buy that green hoodie that you really want, unless someone else has already OK’d it by wearing it themselves. Make absolutely sure to style your hair the way your friends do, don’t pop your collar to be goofy, and wear your hat at exactly the same angle that everyone else does, not a degree straighter or more crooked. Sag your jeans at exactly the same height as everyone else. Wear the same brand of underwear your friends do. Dress like the magazine models. Comb your hair the way the rest of your friends do, and wear your belt just like they do, but make sure it’s the same type of belt, with a traditional silver buckle. Don‘t buy into anything that might give you some personality. If you happen to have terrible eyesight and have glasses, don’t wear them. Don’t even peek through them. Leave them in your locker as an indicator for how much dust seeps in through the door.
When you listen to music, you must automatically smile and exclaim that you love whatever song might be playing. But remember, only if someone else has already declared that they too, love that song. You can sing along, but only if someone else is singing, and only if you know the song verbatim. If you can’t sing the song perfectly in tune, don’t bother singing, you’ll only look like a fool. If the song has a good beat, you can bob your head to a minute degree, but under no circumstances can you headbang. Headbanging involves originality, and being spontaneous, and therefore, you cannot do it. If you want to risk being seen as a loser, then go ahead. Otherwise, be like the rest of the teenage population. Also, be sure to blast the music as loud as the speakers allow.
A cool person, of course, hits all the parties. Make sure to go to at least 2 parties a week, and get completely trashed. Blasted. Wasted. While you’re at it, smoke a few cigarettes and give yourself lung disease. Make sure to take as big a hit as your friends do, and inhale it. But don’t cough. If you cough, you can’t handle the smoke. That makes you a loser. Be sure to have something to drink while you smoke. Having both hands occupied by illegal substances makes you a badass. When you think you’ve had enough booze, take 4 or 5 more shots for good measure. If your friends have had more to drink than you, go catch up. Drink yourself stupid, or you’re a lightweight. And lightweights are losers You absolutely must break something in your drunken antics, and make a total fool of yourself. But remember, a real cool person can drink all night and hold their liquor. When you’re throwing up and crawling around on the floor laughing at nothing, make sure to have a beer or two to wash the puke out of your mouth. Before you crash for the night, you have to hook up with some random person, to prove you can still get some. Make sure someone sees it, so you have a witness. That’s how a cool person parties.
Make sure that at school when you’re with your girlfriend or boyfriend, to make out with them for at least 30 seconds before you go to class each time. Do it in the middle of the hallway if possible. The more people that turn their heads in disgust, the better. Bonus points if you’re tardy getting to class because you took too long to unglue yourself from their face. Which brings up another point. Show up late to at least one class a week. Keep the teachers guessing as to whether or not you actually care about school. When you come in late, do it so everybody sees you. Do the little “oops, sorry” grin , (but only if you’ve seen someone else who’s cool do it before) and walk over to your seat. Sit down, and explain to everyone nearby that you were late because you were sucking face with your significant other. Then put your head down and go to sleep.
Fail at least one class per semester. Make sure the class you fail is something that everyone hates, like math or history. Complain about how much that teacher sucks, and how dumb it is that you have to earn a 92% for an A. Exclaim that since sports teams who have a 60% win are relatively good, so should a grade of 60%. It’s ok for you to say that, I’ve said it, so it’s cool. Right? Also, play one sport that the rest of your friends do. If they play football, grab some shoulder pads, if they play soccer, buy some cleats, if they’re a swimmer, don a speedo. But you must be amazing at that sport, otherwise you’ll suck and not be cool. You also have to make fun of the other kids who are worse at the sport than you. Make their life on the team hell. That’s what the real players do.
So there you have it. Those are the foolproof solutions to being cool. Trust me, listen to everything I’ve told you, and you’ll be the best, I swear. Just remember the basics. Nothing original, nothing that’s not been done, nothing that hasn’t been said. If someone hasn’t done it, it probably hasn’t been done for a reason. Right? Get to it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

How to Become Famous

Every person has had at least one moment in their lives when he or she has wished that they could become famous. Whether the feeling occurs when you open your newspaper to an article reading “Lindsey Enters Promises Again,” or check your AOL mail only to see updates on Britney’s custody troubles, most every person has felt—at least—a momentary twinge of longing. Usually this fleeting emotion is quickly brushed away by common sense, because, after all, you’re not a recovering drug addict, emotionally unstable enough, or dating Brody Jenner. But wait! Our society’s constantly declining morals and dignity make your dream reachable.

The first step on your journey to achieve tabloid fame is to decide which already-existing celebrity cliché you want to mold yourself into. Becoming the young, wild, party girl is usually the most effective—but all hope is not lost if you are an older woman. Recently, celebrity moms have garnered as much attention as their equally attractive, and famous, daughters. One can also decide to be the celebrity villain that people love to hate, a persona achieved by stealing someone’s husband, attacking the paparazzi, being hateful towards your fans, or possessing an ego the size of Ashlee Simpson’s old nose.

Once you have found, and completely researched, the role that you have chosen to play, you then need to begin to transform your look. I would suggest not eating for a few days to jumpstart your new weight-loss regimen. Also, find the biggest and most expensive sunglasses available so you can constantly wear them. Be sure to remember the fewer clothes, the better!

Now that your personality and look have been completed, the time has come for your arrival into the Hollywood scene. Stealing the spotlight becomes easy if you carefully choose the right reality show to showcase your new facade. When on camera, exaggerate your movements and continually say, and do, the most outrageous things possible. If you somehow can’t secure a coveted spot on a prime-time reality show, you need to date a high-profile celebrity. Do not worry if he or she is married; if anything, breaking up a marriage would only enhance your celebrity status. Also, do not waste your time trying to act in or create a high-quality movie or CD. These are poison to talented partiers—no one will take your party-girl persona seriously anymore if you try to showcase your real talents.

Assuming you have followed the process completely, you should have a recognizable name by now. This is the perfect time to do the one thing that the rich and famous do best—go to rehab. The most popular choices are problems linked to drug use, eating disorders, or alcoholism. Others prefer to get hospitalized for exhaustion and stress. A select few, the most talented of them all, manage to partake in all four. If the thought of rehab makes your eye twitch, jail may be the place for you instead. Usually a DUI can be your ticket into court (and onto covers), but more creative young women have crashed into shrubbery, or even other cars. This last step ensures that your name will be forever imprinted onto everyone’s minds—and hearts.

By choosing the right path to follow on your journey to Hollywood, you can make success as hard to come by as a celebrity mug shot. Who knows, next year you may log onto AOL to check your mail and see your mug shot on the welcome screen!

Satire Example: Thank You Mr. Bureaucrat

Thank you Mr. Bureaucrat

For too long have Bureaucrats suffered the stigma of inefficient, unfeeling leeches on society. After all, who is it that gets you your drivers license, or runs your schools, or makes our government keep going right on track? By all means, we owe them our thanks. By keeping common sense and personal freedom in check, they serve to make our world a more sensible, if confusing, place.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for allowing me my driver’s license. You gave me this privilege, expecting so little in return. Why, after months of training and instruction, I can have my probationary driver’s license for only a small charge. Moreover, the work you do is impeccable. At the DMV your workers make sure to take their time, so as to avoid careless error, and yet they still process a maddening 17 people per hour. Truly, how do you do it? Some people think that this is not fast enough, or that the requirements are too strict, but they do not understand that it is to ensure their own safety. Why, god only knows what would happen if good students only received 6 months of practice alongside their driver’s ed program. Not only that, but they do not realize that if an accident were to occur, it could not possibly be the driver’s fault, but the fault of all new drivers. Everyone knows that learning from your mistakes is vital, yet so few realize that learning from others’ mistakes is just as important. When one young driver gets in an accident, clearly, it is time to once again raise the required practice time, rather than improve the instruction given, to ensure that such a tragedy will never happen again.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my school is a safe, yet fun, educational environment of the highest quality. After all, standardized testing is the only way to determine what funding a school deserves. I mean, we all know that intelligence couldn’t possibly be reflected in ways beyond coloring circles. It’s ingenious, really. You are always coming up with new solutions to new problems. I mean, who other than you would have thought to force schools into turning over students’ private information to the army? With inexplicably low support for our current war, it is important that the army knows which high school students are most vulnerable to recruiters. You’ve managed not to touch the constitution too, Mr. Bureaucrat, since after all, schools aren’t “required” to turn over private student information. If they are willing to pay their expenses without government funding, they should always be more than welcome to decline your offer. And thank you, Mrs. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my educational experience is fun, but not too fun. After all, you’ve given us spirit days to dress up on. Who needs the distraction of an age-old national holiday when you have school sponsored fun? People need to understand that when dressing up is part of an established holiday, it is clearly in violation of every last moral fiber, and an insurmountable distraction. However, once approved by people of a neutral, uninvolved party, week long dress up events could never be misconstrued as a distraction.
Truly, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you Mr. Bureaucrat, for making America what it’s become. Should you continue your red-taping, holiday-swapping, privacy-infringing, time-consuming overregulation, mayhaps someday we will finally see a world without frivolous emotions. By converting each iota of humanity in our society, you have managed to make the world a better place. But Mr. Bureaucrat, what happens then?

Example Satire Papers

Please post/read example satire papers here. (Post as authors.) Those who are doing revisions should email them to me by Friday, November 23rd.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

new thesis

Willy creates unrealistic expectations in his family life by transfering his obsession with respect from success in his salemanship that cause the stresses and mental torment that ulitmately drive him to suicide.

Thesis

Willy takes his beliefs of what a good saleman should have, respect from success, transfers to his family life, which creates unattainable expectations that result in the pressure and stress that drives him commit suicide.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Thesissssssssssssssssssssssss

Although the Willy's character seems isolated from the rest of society, because of his excessive idealistic dreaming and pushing for success, he actually mirrors many everyday members of society.

Thesis!!

The strong desire for Willy to achieve the American dream through the prosper of salesmanship in and out of the household steadily tears the Loman family apart as well as ultimately resulting in the depression and death of Willy Loman.

Thesis Statement

Miller uses symbolism to illustrate Willy Loman's obsession with material success and his societal claustrophobia, the factors which ultimately lead to his destruction.

Thesis Statement

The envious sibling relationship of Biff and Happy reflects a similar relationship between Ben and Willy, which as a result, causes Willy to idealize his brother, generating regret and disappointment.

Thesis Statement

Willy's root desire throughout the play is to gain the love and respect of his family, a task he believes can simply be accomplished by success in business, and which eventually leads to his suicide.

DOAS Thesis

Throughout the play, the character of Ben represents a tangible embodiment of Willy's aspirations and regrets, and serves as a catalyst for his suicidal thoughts.

Thesis Statement

"Rhythm Between Fathers and Sons"
Question 4: How do the fantasy characters influence the real characters?

The fantasy characters of Willy Loman's mind are representations of his ideals, therefore dictating the actions he takes in order to fulfill his preconceived notion of success.

The word 'fulfill' doesn't seem to fit right. Anyone have any suggestions?
Though Willy's undying passion to fulfill the American dream in a capitalist society contributes to his demise, the presence of symbolic and inanimate objects also accord to his death by suicide.

Thesis statement

Willy's delusions, which are triggered by disappointments from his family, co-workers, and friends lead to his realization of the reality of his problems in life, which ultimately leads to his suicide.

Thesis, question 6

Willy is a salesman in life as well as in business; his belief that everything can be fixed through good salesmanship, including selling himself and his values leads to his unhappiness and ultimately, his demise.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Potential Thesis and Supporting Criticism


Please post your thesis statement and the piece(s) of criticism you read for support. Review the thesis websites and apply the thesis test to make sure your thesis is good to go. See handout from Mrs. Gerber for details.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Hall Monitors

I have long been compelled to write a piece about the glorious preservers of peace in the hallways of every school that protect the people from every form of harm. Called “student supervisors”, though sometimes disrespectfully referred to as “hall monitors” by ungrateful students, these wonderful and necessary agents of order over chaos are permanently dedicated to their cause. Without them, the schools would disintegrate into disorder and nobody would ever be content again.
I must comment at the devotion shown by the student supervisors who rapidly apprehend and justly punish any insolent student that dares to cross any of the boundaries carefully placed by the omniscient administrative staff. Any student that violates the entirely reasonable set of rules deserves far worse treatment than given to them. Trips to the administration office or detentions are trivial punishments for a crime against such a wonderful authority.
I am personally grateful to the hall monitors for the reminders that they constantly give me to keep myself disciplined and without guilt. I am somewhat ashamed at my own forgetfulness when I walk into the building and am told in a pleasantly loud and harsh voice “NO HATS IN SCHOOL!” That means that I forgot to follow the purposeful and ancient rule created for the everyday good of everyone. I am lucky not to be severely punished for it. Once I saw someone who was obviously very rushed in the morning and needed to get some extra breakfast before his second class. He was eating a bagel, how dare he, when the hall monitor reminded him “No eating in the hallway! You’ll have to wait until you get to class to eat that.” That ability to provide logical alternative solutions is one of the things that I admire most about the hall monitors.
Really, I am grateful to the hall monitors because without them, the school couldn’t function. Chaos would reign, and there would be people who dare to eat and wear hats in the hallways. The hall monitors are always successful in breaking up the fights in the halls, so without them I don’t know what would happen. We need hall monitors, and I would like to use this opportunity to thank them for all the times they have saved the school and enforced the great rules.

How to convince your parents you care about school

Everyone’s faced this dilemma before… How do you convince your parents that you care about school? Although you’d rather be out with your friends, or even working, for that matter, you have to pretend like you’re concerned about grades. How do you do it? Nobody knows the foolproof solution, but here are a few tips to offer. Put rocks in your backpack, or anything heavy, for that matter. Weigh that sucker down with whatever you manage to pick up from the street. As long as it’s over 40 or 50 pounds, your parents won’t bother you about schoolwork. They assume any backpack as heavy as that must have plenty of work to keep your growing mind occupied. If said rocks or bricks are found in your backpack, exclaim that they are for biology or chemistry class, and you’re supposed to examine the properties or the chemical composition of the rock. Set the rock on the table, and stare at it. Text your friends under the table. When your parents leave the room, leave the house. If your parents catch on to your ruse, there is another simple solution. Tell them you are staying after school for math club, the school newspaper, Spanish club, or some other academic after-school activity. See a movie instead. When they ask how the club was, say it was inferior to your unrivaled brainpower. Tell them you’re quitting, and that you need some alone time to contemplate your decision. Go to your room, lock the door, and sneak out the window. See another movie. Or do whatever you please. So long as it isn’t homework. When you come home, leave open books on the table, complete with pencil and notebook. Turn your notebook to a random page that’s already been written on, and leave it for the parents to see. Do this often, just make sure to change the date on the paper. When you’re at home and your parents call, don’t pick up the phone. Wait a few minutes, and call them back. Tell them you were just working on a really hard equation. When they ask you to explain it, tell them it’s too advanced for them to understand. Follow those general tips, and you’ll fool your parents into thinking you actually care about school. But when the failing grades come in, you’re on your own.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How to Get Out of a Tardy

Everyone knows the dreadful feeling of hearing the shrill of the school bell moments or maybe even a minute before entering the classroom. The worst part is finally strolling into class and feeling every eye in the room watch you suspiciously, not knowing what to make of the student who dared overstay his or her five allotted minutes away from class. Then there is the added tension of knowing that this tardy can be reported to the administrators and used against you at a future time. Here are some tips on how to get out of that situation without punishment.
Pretend that there is no problem
1. While walking into the room, offer no apologies or emotion and simply walk to your desk. Make sure not to make eye contact with anybody, and move at a normal pace.
2. Sit down quietly and get prepared quickly, at least pretend to take notes or comment on the discussion. The goal is to integrate yourself seamlessly into the class as if you were there from the beginning.
3. If a comment on your tardiness is made, simply mention “traffic” or some other typical excuse, but do not beg for mercy. Make it seem that there is no trouble with tardiness and that there was no disruption to the class, and everyone will go along with it.
In case of emergency
Sometimes, upon reaching the classroom entrance, the unlucky student finds it locked or otherwise impeded. This calls for more extreme measures.
Knock, but have a ready made story
1. Invent a story involving you being booked, pushed, or otherwise slowed in the attempt to get to class. The more believable and the less it seems like your fault, the better.
2. Knock on the door and wait for someone to open it, and then recount the story. Most people will believe it if it is a good story, but decline any offers to go to the discipline office or identify the person that hampered your progress to the class.
3. Take a seat and dive right into the class. The teacher will likely be sympathetic and not give you a tardy.
Find another way in
If that plan would fail, take faith in the principle that all rooms have more than one entrance, not all of them obvious.
1. Quickly make sure that the ceiling has panels and the room has a convenient landing place.
2. Go into a bathroom, office, closet, or other inconspicuous area and use a chair or table to increase your height. Knock out one ceiling panel and enter the space above the ceiling there. Make sure to replace the panel.
3. Crawl over to the chosen landing spot, making sure not to put too much weight on any single point. There is a small risk that the panel might break and you will be revealed.
4. When you reach the landing spot, preferably a cabinet or sturdy desk, make sure that nobody is looking and carefully lift up the ceiling panel. Descend carefully, replacing the panel.
5. Slip silently into your seat. If by some chance somebody sees you, say that you were retrieving a lost pencil or doing some other harmless task but were indeed in class on time. Except for the key statement of not being tardy, be purposely vague on why you were out of your seat and make it seem like something that happens every day.
Hopefully, none of my readers will ever find themselves in such a situation, but if so, I know my advice will help. There is nothing worse than a tardy, and there is almost never a greater relief than getting out of one. Good luck to you all.

How to Procrastinate

Procrastination is something that we're all familiar with. You watch T.V. for an hour before you write a paper, you get in a few more rounds before reaching for that physics textbook, and you sleep away your Saturday mornings and wait until Sunday night to do your homework. While you may think your years of schooling have given you sufficient and proper training to perform this highly refined task, I am here to rectify your mistakes and put you on the path to true enlightening. Adhering to true procrastinator creed, I will teach you the fundamentals and more in this short, concise blog entry. But if you were a true practitioner of the faith, you would have long navigated away from this page and played mindless online games until you had gotten hungry or had fallen asleep at your desk.

To truly realize your potential in this world you have to give up a great many things and while that may scare you at first, let me tell you that you will feel terrific very soon afterwards. Everyone loves instant gratification. The first obstacle in your path is responsibility. Driven into our minds since we could understand human reasoning, responsibility is the small voice in the back of your head making you think twice about not doing homework or family chores. You must learn to ignore that voice and take the time you would normally spend doing menial tasks and use it to do what you want to do. Suddenly your WoW characters will hit the level cap a lot faster and your Facebook/Myspace/Xanga page will dazzle visitors with even more misspelled words, epilepsy inducing graphics, and photos of you that even an internet stalker would shy away from saving. Why should you care what happens as long as you're happy, right?

After you've settled into a comfortable pattern of eating, sleeping, and schooling (sleeping) you can begin to really change your life. Drop those silly A.P. courses, don't bother with athletics, and stop communicating with your "friends". You don't need people to be happy and, as a matter of fact, they will only impede your journey to Nirvana; begging and pleading with you to change back into the person you once were. After that stage you can finally begin experiencing life; procrastinating was only the stepping stone to the other fundamentals skills. Soon you'll find yourself slacking off, getting suspended/fired/high, and even failing at life and that is what it's all about.

How to write a lengthy blog post in as little as 5 minutes!

We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us). Your bloodshot sleep deprived eyes look down dreadingly at the clock- your mortal enemy. The electric numbers read off almost eleven o'clock. You try to focus on writing your English homework, but the thought alone of doing your blog post is fatiguing you. Well I have a solution for you! Just follow these simple easy to follow directions and you will soon be on your way to the heavenly shelter of your bed.

1.Start out with a catchy introduction. Having a catchy introduction is the second most important part of your piece because seldom will anyone read past it! Therefore, you should spend most of your labors on this part. For example, if you are writing a post on how to do a fast post, you could start out like this "We all have been in the situation; You've been out all night filling up on sugary delectable treats and watching scary movies. (Okay maybe not all of us)..". These 10 seconds of attention getting will be worthwhile in the rest of your post and enables you to make most of the rest of your post ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!! Now isn't that appealing?

2. Insert seemingly important words into your seemingly important post to make your entire post seem seemingly much longer. Don't worry about the act of repeating words, the repetition will make your repeating paper seem longer and more important. chances are that no one will be actually reading your post anyway!

3. Skip step three. I never really saw the importance of this step. Therefore, proceed directly to step 4.

4. Make your sentences appear coherent and flow well, when really all you're writing is stream of consciousness. This may be the hardest step, but with practice, you'll be a pro in no time! Just remember that going off on a tangent is A OK! The execution of this step is very important in the entire layout of your paper. First, it makes you seem more intelligent. Also, it will add credibility to your piece and make your piece seem to actually be saying something. For example, I once had a neighbor named Johnny. Johnny always enjoyed writing long blog posts, but then one day Johnny moved away to California. It turns out he ended up liking California much better than here, and deemed blog posts totally worthless compared to the beach. He liked the beach because of the beautiful blue water and the pretty hells. He once ate shellfish and got really sick. It was sad and he almost had to go to the hospital. I never really enjoyed the hospital much, just like I never enjoyed writing long blog posts, unlike Johnny! That silly goose!
Notice how I just spent a paragraph talking about literally nothing at all! Once you get this down pat, you are on your way

5. SPELLENG AND GRAMMER DON'T COUTN PHOOLS!!! NE SUCKR WHO WOOD SPEND VALUBLE TIME WORRY ABOOT THIS BE STUPID!! CONSIDR UR PAPR TO B ANARCHY ON EVERYTHIN U EVER LEARN IN ENGLSH CLAS!!

6. Next, finish your paper eloquently, because nothing makes people forget a bad body paragraph like a good clincher! Say something like "Through the logic of steps 1-6 (#3 in particular), you all now can be masters of laziness!". Also, in case your teacher actually read the body paragraph, skip a few lines and put in the REAL most important part.



Mrs. Gerber is the best English teacher in the world, and wouldn't even dream of not giving me full credit on this assignment! I consider myself the luckiest student on the face of the earth to have her as my teacher.


7. Put in a disclaimer in case things get ugly.

DISCLAIMER: THE STATEMENT ABOVE DOES NOT APPLY IF I DO NOT RECEIVE FULL CREDIT ON THIS ASSIGNMENT.

8. If your teacher gets angry at you the next day, do the most logical thing and blame it on Matt "The Artist formerly known as Fat Chubbard" Hubbard. Say he went into a jealous rage, and as a result sabotaged your insightful and purposeful post and ate your dog.

DISCLAIMER: NO DOGS WERE ACTUALLY EATEN BY MATT HUBBARD IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG POST.

How to Avoid doing Chores

Ah, chores, the word no teenager enjoys hearing. The horrible, time-consuming, boring, annoying, frustrating...chores. A fate every child has to face sometime throughout their life. If you are one of the very selevt few that don't do chores, then I hate and envy you at the samt time and suggest you stop reading now. However, those of you that actually DO participate in this wold-wide phenomenon, I have an answer. The perfect guide on how to avoid this dreadful task.
Always, always, ALWAYS avoid eye contact with your parents when you know that there are chores you either have to do or know they will ask you to do. If you do not look at them, and keep walking or looking away, it will appear that you have something to do or somewhere to go and they will then post-pone asking you to do your chores at a later time.
Try to avoid common sitting areas, such as the family room or living room. If your parents see you sitting around, they will then tell you to do your chores because they dislike the fact that you are actually relaxing.
If your parents actually ask you to do one of these chores, you must have a few excuses lined up. Common lines are "I have too much homework", "Okay, not right now", or you could go with the classic, "I don't feel good". All of these phrases will be sufficient, however be prepared for your parent/parents to complain after you make these comments. Once you have said this excuse, you must commit to it.
Try to make yourself look like you're busy when they pass by. If your parent passes you, looking like you are working diligently or looking intently at something, they are not AS likely to ask you to do your chores, because they would not want to break your concentration. However, some parents do dare to break our concentration, and when this happens, mumble a slow okay or yes, kind of brushing them off, and keep focusing intently on what you were before. This way, you can claim that you didn't hear them earlier because you were so focused on what you were doing.
Although these steps will increase your likelyhood of getting out of chores, some parents take to the extreme and will badger you until you actually do them. All i can say to THAT is good luck, and god be with you. To the others, follow these rules and you will notice a significant difference in the amount of free-time you have, along with the decreased amount of chores!

How to Succeed in School While Doing as Little Work as Possible

We’re all already successful students—being in at least one AP class—and I’m sure most of us are involved in several activities (not to mention our other AP classes). I know, in a perfect world, we would be able to complete our homework, study for all of our tests, and go to bed by 10:30 every night. But, this is never the case—and frankly—just does not seem possible. Or does it? But it is possible to get good grades and have fun in high school; you just need to find the loopholes and shortcuts…

  1. Starting on the first day of school, you need to begin to analyze your teachers. During the beginning few weeks of class, keep track of which teachers are more likely to give pop quizzes, or check or collect your homework. Keep a mental note of how they check your homework, too. For example, if your AP US History teacher asks for written notes on the Boston Tea Party—but just glances at them as she walks by—why can’t you show her your notes on the French-Indian war that you took last week?
  2. It is also imperative to understand the concept that every period is a study hall. Unless a homework assignment requires a computer, most everything can be done in the class period before it is due. Most students already utilize their class time for other homework when a teacher shows a movie to the class—but what about during power points, lectures, passing periods, discussions, or group projects? It is necessary to make sure you have a cover sheet or book, preferably one pertaining to the class you are supposed to be paying attention to. If a teacher calls on you, make sure you have a preprogrammed response that can apply to anything. (“Désolée, je ne sais pas!”)
  3. Remembering to prioritize your time is also very important. Constantly check which classes you are doing poorly in, and just be sure to do the homework for those classes. The opposite rule applies to classes that you are doing well in. Don’t spend your time studying for a psychology test if you already have an A. You could spend hours perfecting that rhetorical analysis for English, but it’s the end of the quarter, and you have solidified your grade already, so please do not spend your time on that. Instead, spend your time watching Greys Anatomy, because—remember—you can do your 3rd period math homework in your 2nd period French class.
If your like me, your always broke. Yet wheres the fun in getting a job, when you can just suck up to your parents for an endless supply of cold, hard cash? The hours you save mooching over getting a respectable job can then be spent doing anything you desire, food, fun, friends you can have it all!

1) Before even talking to your parents, pinch yourself, put mint toothpaste on your eyelids, anything, just squeeze out that droopy, teary, sad face. This is crucial, you have to strike that right chord with your parents from appearance. Use your acting skills if you have to, but you have to appear like mom or dad's "perfect" child, positive, polite, sad, and loving.

2) Choose your target wisely. Mom or Dad, you've spent 16 to 17 years with these people, you should know by now who the piggy bank is. Of your two "assets," who has the loose, overflowing wallet? For me that would be my dad, so with your target in your sites zero in!

3) Flattery is your #1 weapon, and a great way to start off your persuasive attack. "Why, hello father your looking rather less chubbly today, have you lost a pound or two?," wouldn't score many sympathy points. Yet "Hey dad, did you ever know that your my hero? You are the best dad in the world," will most likely turn his wallet into a leather ATM machine.

4) Don't give up! Persistence is an important factor in mooching. If they won't give you what you want right away, annoy them into it! "PLLLLLEEEEEEAASSSSEEEE," or "All the cool parents are doing it," could very well do the trick. If all else fails, you may be desperate enough to start the guilt trip. "Fine, I'll just have to starve to death then...keep an eye out for the obituaries."

5) Unless your parents have hearts of cold stone, one of the above tactics should have worked. If not it may be time to consider a different profession. Yet since it probably did succeed, remember to shower your parent with a barrage of "thank yous" and "I LOVE YOU's" as to soften them up for the next time you need some extra cash

How to trick or treat when your 17

If you are still interested in trick or treating above the age of 13 the following process is for your benefit:
  1. Choose a thoughtful costume. When selecting your costume keep in mind your audience. Scary and inappropriate will not get you your desired amount of candy. However, funny and creative will, homemade costumes are usually the best.
  2. When you have a costume selected, you must create a plan. Make a round of your street first, then once you have practiced, you may venture out into the unknown.
  3. Practicing as a 17 year old trick or treater is key. You may be out of the swing of things, so while going to your friendly neighbors first you can follow by example from a 5 or 6 year old in front of you.
  4. While getting back into the groove you must always be careful. When you hear a young adult sing "Trick or treat smell my feet give me something good to eat", you will realize it doesn't have the same effect as when 4 year old boys do it. So remember to be tasteful while begging for your favorite candy.
  5. Be nice! As hard as it may be, always let the young ones ahead of you. This way, when you are at the end of the line you may get more candy for doing your good deed.
  6. Finally, always say thank you! Nobody like a stuck up 17 year old that steals candy.

How to make to meet that 2 page minimum

How To Avoid Working For Your Mom On A Saurday

There are a million and one ways to avoid getting dragged into doing work for your mother on a Saturday. Here are a few ideas on how to get out of work, chores, and anything related to that subject.

1. When you wake up make sure that you have an idea of what you intend to avoid accomplishing that day. Start to come up with a few good excuses that can be delivered verbally to your mother so that your lack of help will appear somewhat legitimate.

2. Stay in bed for as long as possible. Never allow your mom to make you get out of bed earlier than you intend. If she is constantly walking into your room and badgering you, then turn over and pretend to be asleep. If she persists then go to the bathroom and avoid conversation. This will not allow her to give you auditory list of all of the things that your mom requires from you.

3. Take an extremely long shower or bath. Lock the door so that no one can intrude and let yourself become fully awake. While relaxing continue brainstorming other things that you "Have" to do today so that your mom will be less likely to bother you if you can convince her that you are truly busy today. Once finished showering make sure that you avoid either of your parents on the way to your room. If you are lucky enough to have a bathroom in your bedroom then you are set.

4. Take an extremely long time to get dressed and prepared for the day ahead. Upon entering your eating area you must apear very nonchalant and inconspicuous in a manner so that your mom will not think that you are on to her shceme. If your parents do ask you what you have going today tell them that you are busy and have lots of homework from english class that you must finish. This will be very believable because our parents know well that A.P. language and Comp is not your run of the mill englsh classes and is one that requires diligence and a punctual sense of finishing work.

5. After breakfast go and watch some television. If your mom questions you simply say that you are tired and cannot focus enough to do homework. If she persists tell her that you will go and finish your homework and then make your way up to your room and return to bed. If you do not wish to sleep then read a magazine or a book, as long as you are out of sight to your parents.

6. The main objective to keep in mind is that the less interaction you have with either of your parents, the less of a chance they will have to put you to work. If your mom finds you relaxing with a book tell her that it is for english class. If you have a magazine say that you must go yo yhe bathroom. Proceed to the bathroom and wait until you mother is out of sight. Then go back downstair and continue to relax in some fashion.

7. Another way to avoid interaction is to wander throughout your house. Make it look like you are on an important mission to find something. If this becomes boring go surf Youtube for an interesting video to pass the time.

8. If your parents find you lounging make sure that you have some sincere sounding excuse, never get caught with an empty "Ughh". If worse comes to worse go outside and go for a walk around the neughborhood while no one is paying attention to you. Another way to make sure that you are excluded from the days activities is to anger your parents. Although this is a last resort I highly recommened figuring out something else.

9. Lastly, if you find that your parents are constantly badgering you to work, simply walk out of the door and drive away in your car. If you do not have access to a car or a liscense calla friend and have them come and pick you up. Tell you mom that something has come up and that you will be busy for the remainder of the day. Go with a friend or neighbor and get some food or go see a new movie. Do whatever it takes to avoid chores and other sorts of house work! If you give in you have simply let your parents win. If you can avoid them for the whole day and can maintain this for multiple weekends they will become less likely to try to persuade you to help them because they knnow that it is not worth the trouble.

How To Convince Your Parents To Give You Money

We have all opened our wallets to search for cash only to find disappointment in the empty leather interior. Whether the wad of cash that used to exist there was spent at the mall, or you latest paycheck didn’t exactly arrive on time, the problem needs to be confronted. Face it, you need cash fast and who better to ask than your loving and generous parents?
Throughout this process it is extremely important to keep a positive attitude, or at least pretend to. Timing can make or break your outcome, so listen carefully. You want to leave just enough time to have a quick yet sincere chat with your parents, make your move, and explain that if you don’t leave within the next few minutes you will be miserably late. Say your friends call and there is a major sale at the mall. Of course it is absolutely necessary for you to be there to purchase the most fabulous outfit for the next day at school! Approach you parents with a smile and the first words that come out of your mouth should include "Hey, how are you doing?" or "How was your day?" I am aware that it is so incredibly hard to avoid being sappy, but perhaps you could oh I don’t know, have a genuine conversation with your mom for 5 seconds and mean it. After discussing the plans for your day at the very end sneak in your need for cash. There are many different ways to word this question but it truly depends on the attitude of your parents.
After making your move most parents look their child in the eye and ask “Didn’t I give you money yesterday? Why cant you just stay home this time?” After this question it is really your time to shine, “Mom I am only living under this roof for 18 years, I am giving you the privilege to provide me with money before I have to do so for myself.” Parents are not always this easy to crack so come up with your own jokes to really reel them in. It often helps to point out the positive things that are happening in your life right now. “ Mom my grades are looking really good this quarter” “did you notice that I cleaned the kitchen after school?” Its not like all of this has to be true, it just has to get you past the moment. Flattery can take you far so trust your gut and put on that genuine (fake) smile your parents are dieing to see. I wish you the best of luck as you hopefully walk out the door fulfilling the thirst for cash that your wallet so badly desired.

How To Fake Sick

We've all been there. It 12 o'clock on a school night and you've had a long busy day full of activities, projects, and lots of homework. Just as you are about to get ready for bed, you suddenly remember the huge physics tests that you need to study for, or the 4 page essay you need to write for English. Don't freak out and stay up until 3 in the morning to complete it, it would be a waste of time and you would be too tired to take in anything you read or write. Instead, skip school the next day! Of course, there is always the problem of parents who won't let you skip school...unless your sick! In a few easy steps, you could be on the road to procrastination!

The most effective way to begin is to pick the fake sickness you are going to act out. If you choose too many problems, like pretending you have a stomachache but limping on your left leg, your parents can call you out pretty easily. Once you have picked your sickness, walk into your parents bedroom, either early in the morning or late at night. It is best to pretend your feeling sick before school starts, so they believe you are actually coming down with something. The most effective ways I've found are to pretend you have a headache and ask for some tylenol, say you are feeling warm and shiver, or complain about a stomachache. Then go back to bed and cough loudly before you go to sleep, so they will be able to hear you.

When you wake up the next morning, depending on which sickness you are trying to pull, keep a few close items at hand. Keep a flashlight close if you are pretending to have a fever. When you parents come in to take your temperature, sneak a flashlight that has been on for awhile on top of the thermometer and voila, you have a high fever. Another direction you can take is to have the stomach flu. Early in the morning, sprint to the bathroom and pretend to get sick. Flush the toilet and then let your parents know you have the flu, and you made it to the bathroom in time. They'll be happy there's no mess and they'll also keep you home from school. You can also cough a lot and pretend to lose your voice. Blowing your nose also scores points if you are pretending to have a bad cold. Crumple a few tissues and sprawl them around your bed, to make it look like you were sick all night. The worse you sound, the better the chances are of staying home. This art takes a lot of practice, but once it is perfected it comes in handy. After you show any sign of an illness, your parents will be quick to make a call to the school. Now, you have a whole day to finish whatever test you have to study for or whatever paper you need to write, and you can sleep in. Most would agree this beats stay up until 3 a.m. and stressing yourself out, if you just follow these simple steps.