Sunday, November 25, 2007

How to be a successful man

Being deemed successful is obviously of main concern to most if not all people you’ll ever meet. It’s why we go to expensive universities, or try out for the team, we want to prove ourselves to others, and to ourselves, we don’t go in expecting failure, and we certainly don’t go just for the fun. Our society is driven by the ideal of the “haves” and the “have-nots,” and if you want to be respected in this modern age you’ve got to be on top of the game. For the average man in this new era success means three things: Money, Women, and really, really good looks.
The most determining factor of success can be found by flipping out your pockets. The question on basically everyone’s mind is: How much green have you got in that Italian leather wallet? Cold hard cash can buy you most everything in this modern world, and those who tell you “Money can’t buy you happiness,” should be paid to shut up. If you aren’t already a corporate lawyer, or brain surgeon cranking out the cash, the solution to all your qualms is simple, just get a job punching numbers in a cubicle for some large firm for the rest of your life. Though it may not seem like much enjoyment at the time you’ll be thanking yourself forty years later after climbing the corporate ladder and still not being your own boss. Imagine the nice days you’ll be spending in luxurious country clubs, going for a few rounds of golf with your associates. Never mind the fact that your nearing sixty years old with arthritis so bad you can barely lug your boss’ bags around much less get through a full golf swing. Beyond the country club you can use all that hard-earned income to get the things that really matter… so family, self-fulfillment, personal pride?
Hell no, I’m talking all those great material possessions. Doesn’t really matter what they are as long as they’re the biggest, fastest, coolest, and of course most expensive. Because besides having it all in the bank, you’ve got to flaunt it. A good start would be having the biggest house, in the most exclusive neighborhood. So a little bit like “keeping up with the Jones,” you might ask? Wrong, your house should make the Jones’ look like it’s from the Projects. Beside your house though, all your things should be equal or better to your neighbors too. Does that mean couple of the biggest plasmas in every room? A full in home theater staffed full time is more like it. An indoor pool, and NBA certified basketball court make nice accessories as well.
Another must-have for the self-respecting successful man is an overly expensive car. It’s not just about getting from point A to point B any more, your car should be able to fly, to go underwater, have the best safety rating out there…and those extra cup holders. If you can help it, you should get that kicking sound system as well, it’s only a couple grand. When you roll down your street windows should shatter, and your ears should ring. Take note however that there is one thing that goes beyond all else in this regard: horsepower. Though of course you would never do it of course, your vehicle should have the ability to out run the cops while stopping for donuts along the way. When you rev that engine sonic booms should ensue, and the rotation of the earth should spin the other way. That is of course the only way to prove your self as “manly.”
With all these great things coming your way, flocks of women will undoubtedly follow. Everyone will want a piece of you, and why shouldn’t they? You’re super rich, and being so you are thus attractive, personable, and awesome. As a rule of thumb however never attach yourself to just one. Even when your married, which I would not advocate, you should be seeing at least two or three other women, just enough to make it to the tabloids, because you need all the publicity you can get. Don’t outstay your welcome though, your relationship should last a couple of years at most, and just make certain you get divorced at least a couple of times.
To be a “great”, successful man, you’ve got to look the part. Calvin Klein, Armani, and Express Men, are all good places to start. To be remembered you should be as flashy as possible. Some people will say that your clothes are “tacky,” but what do they know? They’re poor! Also to assume the role of the successful man, your got to achieve just the right air of self-entitlement, and arrogance. Learn to stand tall, and smirk at anyone who passes not wearing the best brands. Walk at an “on top of world” stride, and push passed anyone in your way, because obviously you earned it.
Another crucial way to look good is to invest, invest, invest. You should leave a lasting legacy, and the best way to share your success story is through a charity organization with your name on it. All the big kahunas have one, and philanthropist does have a good ring to it. Whether its feeding the poor, scholarship funds, or disease awareness it really doesn’t matter, as long as people see your name and associate it with “what a great guy.”
Why when you can have all that, would a person still try to forge his or her own way is beyond me. Self-discovery and fulfillment is overrated. If you want to choose a life of respect, money, and bountiful happiness just start crunching numbers.

No comments: