Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Satirical Paper

How to be Cool as Hell
Everyone wants to be loved, to be popular, to be counted as a “best friend” by many. To some degree, at least. But what is the secret? What’s the key to “being the coolest kid in town?” I’ll enlighten you. Be safe with what you say. Don’t be spontaneous, ever. Just say what you’ve always said; never say anything new. If it might have a chance of sounding different, don’t say it, cause that wouldn’t be cool, right? If someone else has already said it, then it’s probably ok to say. Unless they’re not cool. Just stick to the obviously safe things, no matter how boring and unoriginal they are.
Wear only the things that you’ve seen other people wear. Don’t buy that green hoodie that you really want, unless someone else has already OK’d it by wearing it themselves. Make absolutely sure to style your hair the way your friends do, don’t pop your collar to be goofy, and wear your hat at exactly the same angle that everyone else does, not a degree straighter or more crooked. Sag your jeans at exactly the same height as everyone else. Wear the same brand of underwear your friends do. Dress like the magazine models. Comb your hair the way the rest of your friends do, and wear your belt just like they do, but make sure it’s the same type of belt, with a traditional silver buckle. Don‘t buy into anything that might give you some personality. If you happen to have terrible eyesight and have glasses, don’t wear them. Don’t even peek through them. Leave them in your locker as an indicator for how much dust seeps in through the door.
When you listen to music, you must automatically smile and exclaim that you love whatever song might be playing. But remember, only if someone else has already declared that they too, love that song. You can sing along, but only if someone else is singing, and only if you know the song verbatim. If you can’t sing the song perfectly in tune, don’t bother singing, you’ll only look like a fool. If the song has a good beat, you can bob your head to a minute degree, but under no circumstances can you headbang. Headbanging involves originality, and being spontaneous, and therefore, you cannot do it. If you want to risk being seen as a loser, then go ahead. Otherwise, be like the rest of the teenage population. Also, be sure to blast the music as loud as the speakers allow.
A cool person, of course, hits all the parties. Make sure to go to at least 2 parties a week, and get completely trashed. Blasted. Wasted. While you’re at it, smoke a few cigarettes and give yourself lung disease. Make sure to take as big a hit as your friends do, and inhale it. But don’t cough. If you cough, you can’t handle the smoke. That makes you a loser. Be sure to have something to drink while you smoke. Having both hands occupied by illegal substances makes you a badass. When you think you’ve had enough booze, take 4 or 5 more shots for good measure. If your friends have had more to drink than you, go catch up. Drink yourself stupid, or you’re a lightweight. And lightweights are losers You absolutely must break something in your drunken antics, and make a total fool of yourself. But remember, a real cool person can drink all night and hold their liquor. When you’re throwing up and crawling around on the floor laughing at nothing, make sure to have a beer or two to wash the puke out of your mouth. Before you crash for the night, you have to hook up with some random person, to prove you can still get some. Make sure someone sees it, so you have a witness. That’s how a cool person parties.
Make sure that at school when you’re with your girlfriend or boyfriend, to make out with them for at least 30 seconds before you go to class each time. Do it in the middle of the hallway if possible. The more people that turn their heads in disgust, the better. Bonus points if you’re tardy getting to class because you took too long to unglue yourself from their face. Which brings up another point. Show up late to at least one class a week. Keep the teachers guessing as to whether or not you actually care about school. When you come in late, do it so everybody sees you. Do the little “oops, sorry” grin , (but only if you’ve seen someone else who’s cool do it before) and walk over to your seat. Sit down, and explain to everyone nearby that you were late because you were sucking face with your significant other. Then put your head down and go to sleep.
Fail at least one class per semester. Make sure the class you fail is something that everyone hates, like math or history. Complain about how much that teacher sucks, and how dumb it is that you have to earn a 92% for an A. Exclaim that since sports teams who have a 60% win are relatively good, so should a grade of 60%. It’s ok for you to say that, I’ve said it, so it’s cool. Right? Also, play one sport that the rest of your friends do. If they play football, grab some shoulder pads, if they play soccer, buy some cleats, if they’re a swimmer, don a speedo. But you must be amazing at that sport, otherwise you’ll suck and not be cool. You also have to make fun of the other kids who are worse at the sport than you. Make their life on the team hell. That’s what the real players do.
So there you have it. Those are the foolproof solutions to being cool. Trust me, listen to everything I’ve told you, and you’ll be the best, I swear. Just remember the basics. Nothing original, nothing that’s not been done, nothing that hasn’t been said. If someone hasn’t done it, it probably hasn’t been done for a reason. Right? Get to it.

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