How to Become Famous

Every person has had at least one moment in their lives when he or she has wished that they could become famous. Whether the feeling occurs when you open your newspaper to an article reading “Lindsey Enters Promises Again,” or check your AOL mail only to see updates on Britney’s custody troubles, most every person has felt—at least—a momentary twinge of longing. Usually this fleeting emotion is quickly brushed away by common sense, because, after all, you’re not a recovering drug addict, emotionally unstable enough, or dating Brody Jenner. But wait! Our society’s constantly declining morals and dignity make your dream reachable.

The first step on your journey to achieve tabloid fame is to decide which already-existing celebrity cliché you want to mold yourself into. Becoming the young, wild, party girl is usually the most effective—but all hope is not lost if you are an older woman. Recently, celebrity moms have garnered as much attention as their equally attractive, and famous, daughters. One can also decide to be the celebrity villain that people love to hate, a persona achieved by stealing someone’s husband, attacking the paparazzi, being hateful towards your fans, or possessing an ego the size of Ashlee Simpson’s old nose.

Once you have found, and completely researched, the role that you have chosen to play, you then need to begin to transform your look. I would suggest not eating for a few days to jumpstart your new weight-loss regimen. Also, find the biggest and most expensive sunglasses available so you can constantly wear them. Be sure to remember the fewer clothes, the better!

Now that your personality and look have been completed, the time has come for your arrival into the Hollywood scene. Stealing the spotlight becomes easy if you carefully choose the right reality show to showcase your new facade. When on camera, exaggerate your movements and continually say, and do, the most outrageous things possible. If you somehow can’t secure a coveted spot on a prime-time reality show, you need to date a high-profile celebrity. Do not worry if he or she is married; if anything, breaking up a marriage would only enhance your celebrity status. Also, do not waste your time trying to act in or create a high-quality movie or CD. These are poison to talented partiers—no one will take your party-girl persona seriously anymore if you try to showcase your real talents.

Assuming you have followed the process completely, you should have a recognizable name by now. This is the perfect time to do the one thing that the rich and famous do best—go to rehab. The most popular choices are problems linked to drug use, eating disorders, or alcoholism. Others prefer to get hospitalized for exhaustion and stress. A select few, the most talented of them all, manage to partake in all four. If the thought of rehab makes your eye twitch, jail may be the place for you instead. Usually a DUI can be your ticket into court (and onto covers), but more creative young women have crashed into shrubbery, or even other cars. This last step ensures that your name will be forever imprinted onto everyone’s minds—and hearts.

By choosing the right path to follow on your journey to Hollywood, you can make success as hard to come by as a celebrity mug shot. Who knows, next year you may log onto AOL to check your mail and see your mug shot on the welcome screen!