For too long have Bureaucrats suffered the stigma of inefficient, unfeeling leeches on society. After all, who is it that gets you your drivers license, or runs your schools, or makes our government keep going right on track? By all means, we owe them our thanks. By keeping common sense and personal freedom in check, they serve to make our world a more sensible, if confusing, place.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for allowing me my driver’s license. You gave me this privilege, expecting so little in return. Why, after months of training and instruction, I can have my probationary driver’s license for only a small charge. Moreover, the work you do is impeccable. At the DMV your workers make sure to take their time, so as to avoid careless error, and yet they still process a maddening 17 people per hour. Truly, how do you do it? Some people think that this is not fast enough, or that the requirements are too strict, but they do not understand that it is to ensure their own safety. Why, god only knows what would happen if good students only received 6 months of practice alongside their driver’s ed program. Not only that, but they do not realize that if an accident were to occur, it could not possibly be the driver’s fault, but the fault of all new drivers. Everyone knows that learning from your mistakes is vital, yet so few realize that learning from others’ mistakes is just as important. When one young driver gets in an accident, clearly, it is time to once again raise the required practice time, rather than improve the instruction given, to ensure that such a tragedy will never happen again.
Thank you, Mr. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my school is a safe, yet fun, educational environment of the highest quality. After all, standardized testing is the only way to determine what funding a school deserves. I mean, we all know that intelligence couldn’t possibly be reflected in ways beyond coloring circles. It’s ingenious, really. You are always coming up with new solutions to new problems. I mean, who other than you would have thought to force schools into turning over students’ private information to the army? With inexplicably low support for our current war, it is important that the army knows which high school students are most vulnerable to recruiters. You’ve managed not to touch the constitution too, Mr. Bureaucrat, since after all, schools aren’t “required” to turn over private student information. If they are willing to pay their expenses without government funding, they should always be more than welcome to decline your offer. And thank you, Mrs. Bureaucrat, for making sure that my educational experience is fun, but not too fun. After all, you’ve given us spirit days to dress up on. Who needs the distraction of an age-old national holiday when you have school sponsored fun? People need to understand that when dressing up is part of an established holiday, it is clearly in violation of every last moral fiber, and an insurmountable distraction. However, once approved by people of a neutral, uninvolved party, week long dress up events could never be misconstrued as a distraction.
Truly, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you Mr. Bureaucrat, for making America what it’s become. Should you continue your red-taping, holiday-swapping, privacy-infringing, time-consuming overregulation, mayhaps someday we will finally see a world without frivolous emotions. By converting each iota of humanity in our society, you have managed to make the world a better place. But Mr. Bureaucrat, what happens then?