Life is like Chicago weather.
we excitedly prance outside of the mall wearing shorts and a T-shirt, expecting another beautiful sunny summer day.
Inner peace and contentment, facing no troubles or drama
Clouds shift over your head, far from white and fluffy.
One by one the raindrops hit you, and you never saw it coming
Severe storms including a frightening thunder and a blinding lightning hit you.
Channel 5 assured you to expect sunny with a high of 75.
Severe winds shake your once stable establishment.
Violent rains drops crash in every imaginable space, cutting you off from any source of light.
Trapped, confused, impatient.
Places to go, this storm is not scheduled into your plans
It never is
You not ready to deal with this situation.
You never are
Completely unpredictable
Maybe it’s not about acquiring the ability to prepare for the weather, or the trials life bestows upon you
Perhaps it’s about learning to dance in the rain, disregarding how many times Tom Skilling looked you in the eye and told you to leave your umbrella at home.
questions
Which point in my piece is weakest and how would you improve it?
What is another direction I could potentially take this piece in?
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5 comments:
1) The piece was very well written, and the detail was very well supportive. However, if i were to choose a weakpoint, it would bt the 3rd section "trapped, confused, impatient." I felt like that paragraph could use a bit more expanding and detail. I felt like you could have elaborated on which places you needed to go, what you felt like you were going to do because of this stom etc. overall, nice job
2)Another direction you could definitely take with this reference to chicago whether would be showing the good side of chicago's weather instead of all the horrible and dreadful aspects. You could tell how the summer days are perfect in temperature, and consistent as so that life seems perfect during chicago summer weather.
1- "Trapped, confused, impatient.
Places to go, this storm is not scheduled into your plans
It never is
You not ready to deal with this situation.
You never are
Completely unpredictable"
This part seems a little disconnected and rough I can't really see the relevance.
2- You could highlight some of the nicer features of chicago weather rather than the stormy turbulent part.
Q1. Do you dislike Chicago weather?
Q2. how do violent rain drops cut off sources of light?
1. I think you could have showed to connection between Chicago weather and life earlier in the piece, and spent more time overall on the metaphor part.
2. You could have made it more universal by omitting Chicago references, but I do like the part about Tom Skilling.
Did you think about including snow and hail in the piece?
Do you feel like life is a storm?
1.) Your poem was really good, but the weakest part of it was definitely the first line because it starts off as an extended simile with the use of "like". If you drop that, it'll be a really good extended metaphor poem. Also, be careful because you switch from 1st to 2nd person.
2.) honestly, I don't know if I'd want to take it too far in another direction if I were you, I really liked the quirkiness of it. But you could make it a tad more personable maybe. It'd probably just keep it the way it was though
im really sorry my computer freaked out again.
If I were to write this piece again, I would expand to describe not only a chicago storm but the bright aspect of the weather as well. Adding specific details and elaborating on chicago specifically could make my piece more successuful. The 2nd paragraph should be especiaally be revised because it is rather vague. Tom Skilling was a good aspect of chicago to look at but I would like to include more than that and take it in a further direction towards the city rather than just weather in general. Overall I would strenghthen the piece and take out the similie in the beginning.
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