Thursday, November 1, 2007

How to convince your parents you care about school

Everyone’s faced this dilemma before… How do you convince your parents that you care about school? Although you’d rather be out with your friends, or even working, for that matter, you have to pretend like you’re concerned about grades. How do you do it? Nobody knows the foolproof solution, but here are a few tips to offer. Put rocks in your backpack, or anything heavy, for that matter. Weigh that sucker down with whatever you manage to pick up from the street. As long as it’s over 40 or 50 pounds, your parents won’t bother you about schoolwork. They assume any backpack as heavy as that must have plenty of work to keep your growing mind occupied. If said rocks or bricks are found in your backpack, exclaim that they are for biology or chemistry class, and you’re supposed to examine the properties or the chemical composition of the rock. Set the rock on the table, and stare at it. Text your friends under the table. When your parents leave the room, leave the house. If your parents catch on to your ruse, there is another simple solution. Tell them you are staying after school for math club, the school newspaper, Spanish club, or some other academic after-school activity. See a movie instead. When they ask how the club was, say it was inferior to your unrivaled brainpower. Tell them you’re quitting, and that you need some alone time to contemplate your decision. Go to your room, lock the door, and sneak out the window. See another movie. Or do whatever you please. So long as it isn’t homework. When you come home, leave open books on the table, complete with pencil and notebook. Turn your notebook to a random page that’s already been written on, and leave it for the parents to see. Do this often, just make sure to change the date on the paper. When you’re at home and your parents call, don’t pick up the phone. Wait a few minutes, and call them back. Tell them you were just working on a really hard equation. When they ask you to explain it, tell them it’s too advanced for them to understand. Follow those general tips, and you’ll fool your parents into thinking you actually care about school. But when the failing grades come in, you’re on your own.

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